Three Sea Horses

A bit of time

2011-12-23T16:13:00.000Z

just having a bit of time to myself in the library, feeling fairly pleased as most of the festive shopping has been done, early for me. This is often a nice place to sit and type if you need to feel a bit calm and thoughtful. nice coffee too.

i sent email christmas cards this year, mostly. i had intended to create something interesting to email, but ended up in a rush just using one of my snowey new year 2011 photos.

in the studio the other day, played around with composing a sort of seasonal still life - vaguely.
using my glass Santa Maria, unfortunately no baby J.

i have used her to make a mold so that i now have several porcelain front halves of her, thanks to my
ceramisist colleague in another studio, but as yet i have not done anything with them, ideas are coming. i have done the same with some of my Thai figures - actually the Thai representations of the Hindu characters of the Mahabarata - they have the same story there too, even tho mostly Thais are Bhuddist. (i think).

i have a Ganesh, too, which i will transform into porcelain sometime. i like the idea of all the religions' figurers represented together.

Santa Maria became important to me as a child growing up in Portugal and then Brazil and later Spain, although i have to say memories of Brazil are more about the hidden things you cant see behind the shutters in the dark house which will get you if you dont behave...

In Thailand everyone had a Spirit house in their garden, because when you built a house you took land away from the spritis, so you built them a little house on a stilt. you never forgot about them and you could give thanks to them with insence and flowers at any time.

well, a merry Christmas to all, and a happy (which fire festival is this? i cant remember..) (or is it not a fire festival?) anyway - happy that too!

when i am scared

2011-11-27T14:43:00.001Z

i keep humming ...

'I Whistle a Happy Tune'
from The King and I

[ANNA]

Whenever I feel afraid
I hold my head erect
And whistle a happy tune
So no one will suspect
I'm afraid.

While shivering in my shoes
I strike a careless pose
And whistle a happy tune
And no one ever knows
I'm afraid.

The result of this deception
Is very strange to tell
For when I fool the people
I fear I fool myself as well!

I whistle a happy tune
And ev'ry single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I'm not afraid.

Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are

You may be as brave
As you make believe you are

[LOUIS]

While shivering in my shoes
I strike a careless pose
And whistle a happy tune
And no one ever knows,
I'm afraid.

[LOUIS AND ANNA]

The result of this deception
Is very strange to tell
For when I fool the people
I fear I fool myself as well!

I whistle a happy tune
And ev'ry single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I'm not afraid.

Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are....

November 2011

2011-11-23T15:15:00.001Z

it must be time to write here again. i have had such a long break from it. from July to November. Leaves turning late and slowly. Bulbs peeking up, confused by the mild weather.

i have taken a big step - for me - and started counselling. it is some years since i had counselling, and it does seem quite different. last time it very much felt like being supported, like having someone 'on my side', this time although it is not hostile, it feels more in-depth, perhaps more honest somehow, breaking through my defences - showing me in what way and how i am blocked - and why. it is sometimes quite frightening. i sometimes do not feel i can survive it. when that happens i have to go off and think about whether i can carry on. so far i have decided i can carry on, knowing i could stop at any time.

one of my fears is that i might be too old now, it might all be too late. i might be so set in my ways, so long living in the mists i have created that to come out and see through might be more than i can manage, and i will creep guiltily back into those mists in hopeless acceptance of my non-ness..

i feel ok writing this because i know no-one reads it - except perhaps my friend rivertrain, and i know she can handle reading this stuff.

writing on here is a way of communicating, like hanging a painting in a gallery - you dont know if anyone will see it, or if anyone will relate to it if they do - but you are 'saying' something that you want to communicate anyway. you put it out there. like publishing a book - as Rivertrain has just done! see - Book Launch

that is all for now. i might write more soon.

birthday in Fife

2011-07-26T11:17:00.000+01:00

A friend of mine moved to a wee place in Fife a couple of years ago. I often visit, and this was a special visit being my birthday in full sunshine! My friend has been looking for a lochan, where apparently you can swim, for some time, and on this day we decided to set out to find it, having first agreed to turn back if the walk seemed too long or boring! It was about 6.30 when we set off.

My sister phoned me from America while we were contemplating the view and local cows! it seemed surreal to speak to someone across the world on a small device, standing in the middle of nowhere, but it was great to speak to her and she doesnt sound at all American!

Eventually we arrived at an old steading, where you either turned back because you thought you might be going into someone's farm, or you carried on along the track because there were sounds of splashing and laughter up ahead. Obviously we followed the splashing and laughter.

and were greeted by this amazing lochan, the local reservoir - fishing by serious men in boats, young boys with nets, people swimming, dogs swimming, a lovely place to hang out, the sun still warm pouring a golden light on everything.

we got back to the house about 9.30, time for a beer and the quickest thing we could find to eat, happy!
a lovely end to the day - until i spotted the sunset

a lovely end to a beautiful day.

July! and some books

2011-07-06T10:48:00.000+01:00

July started with a hop skip and a jump into sunny warm days! it is less so now but at least we had a good few days to gather in some vitamin D and defence against the winter.
I spent the whole weekend sitting in the sun reading 'A Week In December' by Sebastian Faulks. I wrote:

So as usual with Sebastian Faulks it was a 'good read', with a wide variety of characters, i guess in order to encompass today's London. I didnt quite understand a lot of the ins and outs of financial stuff but got the gist of it.

I had struggled with the hedge fund man, his character was used to describe what happened to cause the crash and the states of mind it entailed; struggled as well with the idea that they just get off free - although i knew that - the book brought it more into focus. whether i can imagine it or not, there are people who can laugh at others' catastrophes - even be the deliberate cause and laugh.

I also struggled with the would-be-terrorist character, not that i dont know they exist and why to an extent, but i just didnt want that particular character to go through with it, it almost seemed too unreal that he would, i suppose a device to show how easy it could be.

I thought how the hedge fund world was so opposite to the would-be-terrorist world. It could be seen to be the peak of rampant capitalism and godlessness that seems to be part of the cause of terrorism. In another light they were the same; unshakable belief in what they were doing even though it caused catastrophes for 100's, 1000's of people - all justified by themselves. This seemed to be a strong theme. God and Mammon. Make of it what you will, Faulks opens it for a good look.

The failed writer a character who the more you learned about as the book goes on the more you dislike him, even though you know his horridness is all due to bitter disappointment. It seems to give him a strange bravery - misguided, but he is not a completely damned character in the end.

The lawyer who doesnt have much work or money, but loves reading; his character starts off dull and closed off and grey, but unfolds into one of the nicest people in the book as he and the young tube driver gradually fall in love and have an affect on each other.

The wife of the new politician preparing for her huge dinner party; she sees a heirarchy in her circle, well competition she calls it, but heirarchy is also relevant; who 'matters' most, what are the things which count - money, not being fat, being beautiful, having interesting/successful kids, house - interior.. anyway she wants to be 'in there', although she knows she is not near the 'top' - husband's job, an MP, considered quite low on the pecking order.

The pickle magnate and his wife protrayed quite sweetly but i am not sure how realistically, might be a bit patronizing - might not.
There are of course many more characters, and a rich plot even if some of it was over my head.

Next book started is 'The Circle Of Reason' by Amitav Ghosh. I have had this book on my shelf for some time, collecting his books as i come across them in charity shops. It is an early book of his, so it will be interesting. I have read the more recent novels. I love his writing and his research is extensive so I learn something as well.

The book I finished before was Kieren Desai 'The Inheritance Of Loss'. another brilliant writer, brilliant book.
running out of steam so now.

Studio move

2011-06-29T16:03:00.001+01:00

I moved studio sometime in March, to a smaller space. I moved from south facing, large windowed light, bright, airy, sunny stuido to a north facing, 'shaded', small skylight windowed studio! i know, not much sense in it, except that it is now affordable.

Having said all that, it is actually a nice wee space, it feels nice. When i was deciding whether to move or not, i used to come and ask for the key just so i could sit in it for a bit, it always felt a peaceful and calm and quietly friendly space. Plus there is a large tree visible through the window, small and relatively high as the window is being a Velux, but it is good to be able to see some green, something growing and changing with the seasons, instead of a courtyard surrounded by buildings with the coming and going of cars.

It does take a bit of time to get used to a new space. Which particular spot in the room feels right for drawing in, which bit of wall feels ok for painting on, which ... and so on. I do often lose things because, being a smaller space, storage is more 'compact'.

I suppose if this had been a good warm-to-hot summer i might not have been in much - would have found some (excuse) project to work on which involved being outside.

Last year a boating trip in Loch Lomond involved a visit to a small island which has a tiny lodge on it - anyway long story short - picnics and walks - came across a skeleton of a deer, 'rescued' the skull and brought it back. someone already had the antlers. It is quite smelly - but has taken me till now to get around to boiling it, although i think it is going to take more than 2 shots at boiling. I tried soaking in bleach as well, but still needs more. What i need now is an implement to hang out the window which i can put it in so it can get weathered. Anyway, this not being an ideal world thats not going to happen.
It is great how many things i can find to do in the studio 'just before i start work'.
Use everything - that's what i say.

Bones and gods, i collect. and old maps. i have now got a Santa Maria, a Buddha, a Ganesh, and a collection of porcelain Thai gods which i made, with a ceramicist friend's help.
I used to collect old toy aeroplanes, but i havent been seeing any about recently.
Oh yes and also lenses, i collect them especially from old junk shops, for example old magnifying lenses but not necessarily magnifying. See, its all relevant to me.

Well this is me in my peaceful studio,
on my laptop,
rambling,
signing off,
(singing along to Aja - Steely Dan)
love to all
xx

A corner of the studio

Spell Against Sorrow by Kathleen Raine

2011-06-28T15:01:00.000+01:00

Spell Against Sorrow

Who will take away
Carry away sorrow,
Bear away grief/

Stream wash away
Float away sorrow,
Flow away, bear away
Wear away sorrow,
Carry away grief.

Mists hide away
Shroud my sorrow,
Cover the mountains,
Overcloud remembrance,
Hide away grief.

Earth take away
Make away sorrow,
Bury the lark's bones
Under the turf.
Bury my grief.

Black crow tear away
Rend away sorrow,
Talon and beak
Pluck out the heart
And the nerves of pain,
Tear away grief.

Sun take away
Melt away sorrow,
Dew lies grey,
Rain hangs on the grass,
Sun dry tears.

Sleep take away
Make away sorrow,
Take away the time,
Fade away place,
Carry me away
From the world of my sorrow.

Song sigh away
Breathe away sorrow,
Words tell away,
Spell away sorrow,
Charm away grief.

Kathleen Raine, 1952

i found this poem years ago when i was going through a very sad time.
I am not this sad now, i just remembered it and thought it was a nice one to share.

i watched 'Eat, Pray, Love' that same day i wrote the last entry. i thought it would probably be one of those 'all you need is love' or 'everyone can have anything they want' stuff films. its wasnt tho. anyway, cut a long story short i liked the woman's general message which went something like :-

be courageous enough to leave everything behind (gulp!)
see everyone you meet on the way as a teacher
see me - see my memory
i cant remember the rest!!!!!

anyway it all made me realize how closed off and couried-in i have become, attached to all the props that give me the illusion of safety and of purpose.

another part of me just says 'accept'. this is how i am. i have had enough of trying to improve myself for someone else - improve myself to be deserving.

i have no idea why on earth i am blogging all this - talking to myself? and why not?!

worst summer in living memory

2011-06-27T10:36:00.000+01:00

according to Me and a fisherman on Mull - yes, the worst summer in living memory here. it is basically crap.
so i havent done very well with starting to blog again.

questions to self:
are you depressed or just lazy?
are you tired all the time because you are just lazy?
would getting counseling just mean you concentrate more on what's wrong instead of trying to BE POSITIVE?

answers so far:
i dont know.
i dont think so, i find it tiring having to constantly 'rise above' and 'be positive' and cheery. it feels heavy.
i dont know. constantly on the verge of finding counseling but afraid to as well.
fed up with self.

so there you see, how boring is that if thats what i blog.
so i am tending not to blog again.

lots of love to the one person (probably) who reads this!!
xxx

I will Try To Blog Again

2011-06-14T18:43:00.001+01:00

I will try to blog again.
I seem to have lost the wherewithall for blogging over the last few months.
I have no idea why, really, but perhaps it was just not one of the most important things on my mind..

So, i will start this new phase (hopefully) of blogging with :
It is slightly warmer today than it has been over the past month and a half.
It has rained a lot, been cloudy and windy ever since the end of April.
I will probably moan about this quite a bit because I am fairly bothered by it.
So it is warmer today and the sun actually shone, although it still is not warm enough really.
I met a friend in the National Library for coffee, we sat outside.
I went for a walk with my book, sat and read for a bit in the sun (fleece still on), I am reading Kiran Desai - The Inheritance Of Loss.
It cheers me because her writing is brilliant, and often funny while dealing with quite hard subjects.
I am pleased because Amitav Ghosh's new book has at last been published - his second in his Ibis Trilogy, where The Sea Of Poppies is the first. He is another wonderful writer.
My list of projects is still in list form. I dont think i have really begun one properly yet.
Oh well actually i have begun one which is to type up my dissertation on the compter as I did it when we had floppy discs and they wont work anymore. Just so i can have it digitally and then use a pagemaker to put it all together with the images.
well, why not. All that work, eh? might as well.

Oh yes, also been scanning my father's slides - so many to get through - but now i have almost finished the Thailand early 1960s ones. some have gone a bit pink and funny. they all take me back to when we lived there, many memories. I don't think i will ever go back, never go back, really. too many changes will have happened. too many memories to get lost in.

My window box plants are being very slow this year due to this weather.
the wee plants struggle on tho, they don't give up.
i bought a deep red pelagonium (what?!! a sort of geranium thingy!) from Homebase in their 'bucket' sale going cheap, rescued it - nothing wrong with it.
Re-potted, happy plant now.

it is cloudy and windy again.

my love and greetings to all.

another week, another place

2011-02-02T16:57:00.001Z

i would love to make more time to spend writing interesting and well written, well researched, imaginative blogs. i wonder if i will manage it this year.
not so far.
on the train now, passing through such places as Durham and Newcastle, with their amazing architecture - i think to myself i will visit one day and have a look round. it means we are not that far away from edinburgh, and home. and that means reality again.
i have been away for a week. a week in which i learned more about myself which i wish i had not needed to know.

a new year

2011-01-29T15:20:00.000Z

I T I S N O W

2 0 1 1

2 0 1 0

H A S C O M E T O A N E N D

another thought

2010-11-06T13:41:00.001Z

i was reading a blog http://gledwood2.blogspot.com - a courageous person - and he was talking about learning languages, how other nationalities seem to learn English leaving those who speak only English with no 'privacy' of language.
ok. so that is slightly convoluted - but it struck a note with me.
as a child being brought up all over the world i picked up the language of the current country with ease, almost without noticing. but also without noticing i forgot the language of the country we were in before that.
i always wanted to belong to the country we happened to be in at the time when i was old enough to realise there was a difference - i.e. they belonged there and i didnt. i suppose it would have been a child-like love affair with the country born out of a need to belong. and thus having to leave the country was a traumatic world ending affair.

i never had that experience with UK. i was expected to belong here, but i never felt at home. i am not 'forgeign' to Britain, but i feel alien. i look and sound as though i 'belong' so my alien-ness is hidden.

anyway back to languages - i now wish i had remembered the languages i learned, and i think an understanding of a language which comes from learning it can give insight into the culture it is born of.
i think the misunderstanding of other cultures and the insistence that one's own is somehow 'right' or 'just' can lead to disasterous interactions.

so i would say to this person - learn languages - learn as many as you can! and try to visit the places.

i visited Spain a few years ago, having left there when i was 10, and found the language was starting to come back. but not only the language; i had a few nights of very strange dreams when i first got there, the strangeness of deep 'connections' - i was going to say memories, but it is far deeper than that.

i have not travelled very much as an adult, strange in a way. belonging has always been an issue, and roots or the lack of them. so i suppose i stayed put. reluctant to 'go back' to places i have loved to see how they have changed? probably. how narrow minded is that?
a task is to overcome it.

a pal in the here and now was born in Assam and still remembers more Hindi than i do. we sometimes banter in Hindi as he reminds me of more words.

enough for now.

2010-11-06T13:00:00.000Z

you know when you havent blogged for a long time and decide to start again; its the blank page syndrome - i sit here staring.
i thought when i 'retired' (cant believe that word applies to me) that i would have more time to do all the things i really must get done - my own projects. i suppose i do have a bit more time, but somehow other things that have to be dealt with keep cropping up.
i have decided i just have to try and relax a bit more and take things as they come, and try not to feel that i havent got much time (said in irritated voice), because i probably have got lots of time.

the festival came and went and i took a couple of 'End of Festival' scenes :-
whats going on? since i last blogged on here - it appears they have removed any possibility of uploading photos from one's own computer - eh? why? is this correct - am i missing something.
it might be some kind of link broken in my computer. Monday, a computer pal is going to check computer out, maybe it will get sorted.
this is so boring i am compelled to stop and will attempt to find a subject with at least a modicum of interest to blog about next time.

2010-06-22T10:02:00.003+01:00

A few days of sunny warm weather, at last!
A week of having huge sticking plaster and then a grid drawn all over my back, having to wear tops which cover up to my neck, in dark colours.
Patch tests to discover if i am 'sensitive' to a whole load of things including dental things. Dreading finding it was my fillings, and more or less convinced it was.
Results yesterday - no reactors; not allergic to fillings!
Hurray!
now to get the grid off my back - big bath and scrubbing with back brush.

being at home more during this dental episode, as well as it being summer when i tend my window boxes, i observe more from my windows.

for example, i often see a yellow canary perching on the window of one of the opposite flats. Yesterday i observed a person putting a cage in place, opening its door for the canary.

the other morning there was a noisy curfuffle out in the street which turned out to be one of those large arms with a bucket at the end holding two men who were lifted right up to the top of the tenements to have a look at the roofs betwen the windows, gutters perhaps. Then they were lowered again and it all went away.

so here are pics of my window observations:

a day on Loch Lomond

2010-06-03T23:35:00.002+01:00

Image via Wikipedia

setting off on a rainy morning from Edinburgh, we 5 squished into a car with food and wet suits and set off for Loch Lomond.

(forgot the ginger beer)
the closer we got the bigger the patch of blue in the sky became. we were watching it after i said my grandmother reckoned if there is enough blue in the sky to make a sailor's trousers, the sun will come out. eventually there was, and it did.

on board the boat we sped towards Wallaby island (where there are wallabies) but someone had got there first plus the good beachy bit was in the wind.

we set off for another island, where pals of some of our party had an old cottage. they were there and invited us up.

i was quite stunned by the place it had such an atmosphere, it was covered in bluebells and an awful lot of Yew trees. magic. apparently they were planted by Robert the Bruce 400 years ago. the cottage is still more or less as it would have been when it was occupied by the farmer. there are now deer on the island, inlcuding ticks which jumped on those of us who hadnt tucked jeans into socks and wandered about in the bracken.

we had a bar-b-que with the food we'd bought and lazed about before heading out for some ski-ing.

we then returned for some more grub and eventually - about 10.30pm - we cleared up and left the lovely isle, sped across the loch as the sky turned a soft pink in the twightlight, and got home about 1am.

Wyndham, a visit

2010-05-15T19:06:00.000+01:00

Image via Wikipedia

My sister in law and i visited a nearby small town called Wyndham. There is a huge old Abbey there, a walk through woods by a small river.

there is also a brilliant little clothes shop with tea shop (like Loopy Lorna's in Edinburgh but smaller) including an outside courtyard to sit in. amazing clothes some of them created out of several other garments - quite individual. just looking though. we both wishes we were 20 years younger and slightly slimmer like we used to be! The tea was good tho. then next stop was the old fashioned sweetie shop were we bought real fruit jellies, some amazing mint things and some outstanding ginger cream things.

Wymondham Abbey to give it its proper name, was first of all a monastery founded in 1107 by William D'Albini. In 1448 it became an Abbey. During the dissolution of Henry VIII the monastic buildings were demolished as well as part of the church - so it is now half its original size.

There are two wooden vaulted ceilings, one above the chapel, the main higher one obviously in the main church, which are quite outstanding. anyway i always find the old architecture amazing, and the atmosphere in these ancient churches quite powerful.

The Abbey

and part of the ruins

a walk by the river through the woods

the old pub

and the arts centre (converted old church)

Post election thoughts

2010-05-12T22:17:00.001+01:00

Welcome Home Gordie!

So here i am on a train south to england, to visit brother and family. sitting with my laptop and free wifi on board. fab. not that long ago i didnt even have a landline. progress. it has to be said tho that to use the wifi service on the train you are required to have the patience of a saint.

I dont really need to go online now. We have all this technology (just seen a heron in a tree) so we all expect to be able to use it as and when we desire. our demands increase as technology advances. our idea of our 'rights' change as technology advances, slightly, subtley perhaps, but they do.

i would rather be sitting here with sketchbook drawing, but, funny to say, this is easier.

So with the upheaval in the country after the election; and yesterday's outcome of a Lib-Con - or 'con-dem' as someone has dubbed it - coalition, many people are still waking up to what it all might mean. Facebook has a 'they have no mandate to govern in Scotland' thing going, to which already 1,000s of people seem to have joined. Including me. I was looking at another facebook 'thing' called, i think - democracy in action - or something. Anyway, i first of all clicked on the 'like' button, but as days went by in this hung parliament state, i read more and more comments the contents of which made me wish i could unclick the 'like' button. so many ill-informed comments which was sad, and a lot of just plain ignorant generalisations peppered with sweary-words. No debate really, just little smatterings of people trying to have a debate in vain i fear, it just turned me right off. I thought about democracy and realised this is it; and its what i believe in, including freedom of speech, so .. so be it.

oh and then there was another facebook 'thing' after the con-lib decision which was called something like 'fuck the english for voting in the conservatives' which at first i clicked the like button, then when i thought about it, i thought No, i will delete that on my page - thats not really what i feel. I do feel they dont have much of a mandate in Scotland, but i dont hate the english for voting they way they voted - thats ridiculous.

We in Scotland just need to sort ourselves out and work out what we are doing. anyone reading this - check out facebook and the page 'the tories have no mandate in scotland' (i think its called), you can click on it too.
unfortunately the argument will be that this was a UK general election in which case i suppose it has to be legal even tho there is only one tory MP in Scotland.. i still think its worth having some sort of voice or say in the matter tho, even if only through facebook.

I have a suspicion some of my relatives might be pleased to have the conservatives in, and hopeful that scotland's allowance from london will be stopped. It might be, i have no idea. Its just that they dont seem to realise it is partly for our oil London just walked in and grabbed, and partly (i think, may be mistaken here) for the far flung and poorly connected communities in the land.

so here i am now in England, at my bro's house. its great to see them all, but it was strange at Peterborough station where i had to change. I was quite shocked at the state of the station for some reason i had thought Peterborough to be quite a big place, and fairly well to do - brother pointed out that they are, outside the town.
England does feel so different to Scotland, to me anyway. maybe its because of old memories and connections.

An interesting thing on radio 4 which Michael Portillo is doing about democracy, its origins etc.. listened to the first one, will have to find the next on iplayer.

St. Andrew's

2010-04-30T11:21:00.000+01:00

a visit to St. Andrew's with R. where an uncle was at university just after the war.huge beach and even a surfer having a go.

town from beach

Porter's lodge

part of Uni

more uni buildings

headland, east coast characteristics

More Spring

2010-04-12T14:32:00.003+01:00

The Ferrari cars have multiplied! a whole family of them.

Pieces of glass from glass artist friends, and seedlings.

Sunny weather, warm and i am missing the wee place i used to live in long ago in the Borders. own garden, hearing birdsong, seeing skies, summer sounds, planting seeds and pottering about in my nightie and a cuppa tea to see what had come up in the mornings.

now, i plant seeds in a small propogator and wee pots put up on the part of the window that wont open (therefore cant be cleaned at this height). potting them on when they germinate and grow into wee seedlings. at least this way i can't pot on the seedlings of weeds by mistake. (i did that).

my good friend has written a lovely blog entry, giving me food for thought and some lovely memories of that wee place i used to live. have a look - http://rivertrain.blogspot.com/2010/04/realitys-many-levels-silk-road-croatia.html

now i find myself, once again, wandering about town looking for somewhere to 'be' in the sun with sketch book or newspaper - or just to sit. it reminds me of exactly the same thing i used to do before i moved me and my husband (ex now) out to that place in the Borders - nowhere with a bit of peace to go and be in sunny weather in town.

ho hum poor me!! never mind. will go to the library and damn the bloody sun! no no i dont mean it, honest.

La-dee-da! happy days!

spring, Susie's and trip to Glasgow

2010-03-30T18:17:00.003+01:00

Spring was coming, but now the clocks have changed to BST the temperature has lowered, gales blow and snow is apparently on the way.
while i was still under the impression spring was arriving, i had 'rescued' some flowers from a shop, not what i usually do - buy flowers - but the warmer air went to my head.

recently went through to Glasgow to go to the Art Fair opening; went early to miss peak train times and visited The Big Mac Shop - this is me outside it

a bit blurry - who took that!!

Glasgow's architecure is quite different form Edinburgh's, here is a bit of old grand architecture

recently went into Susie's diner for a coffee, Andrew was there, told me that it is closing in April. what a shock! Susie's (previously Seeds co-op cafe) has been so unique in Edinburgh for so long, many of us often used to meet up there to eat great food, you would always know someone when you went in. it's basic, unpretentious, friendly with big helpings of affordable veggie food. Well, i guess - well done Seeds and Susie's for lasting so long! some pics below

meanwhile i had a biopsy in my mouth yesterday, a 'minor procedure' its called. it didnt feel very minor to me at the time. but of course, it is. i can only eat mushy food which is causing me some consternation, how to sleep without accidentally damaging the stitches is also of concern which hopefully will pass soon. it isnt so sore today, so that is a good sign.

i have been going to the new cafe in the national library - its really nice and you can take your laptop and plug it in or use their own computers - free wifi as long as you get a coffee or something. good coffee for very reasonable prices. i have also joined for a period of time so i can use thier online resources for research.

the red car

2010-03-16T11:44:00.001Z

in the street where i live there are many of those tourist shops with cheap so-called 'Scottish' tatt in them! mind, they are always full of tourists buying.
we also have a bit of a floor show - or should it be street show. sometimes one of the owners of all the shops turns up in his fancy car, parks it on the street. first of all a few people will be seen photographing the car. more people will stop and look, one or two even dare to touch. the owner will appear and eventually you will see someone being allowed to sit in the driver's seat while their friend takes a picture of them, surrounded by the crowd that has grown quite considerably. then naturally there will be one or two other people who will want to be photographed in said driver's seat. and so it goes. eventually the crowd thins. eventually the car sits quietly parked, its owner gone on to other business.

i know there are two cars this time, i think the owners might be brothers, but it is usually the soft top that all the commotion happens around.

no crowd, yet.

but it doesnt take long.

there; last photo, crowd thinning.

and now for some amazing pink trousers:

this way

and back..

i used to wear things like that in the '80s. it doesnt seem that long ago.

sunday wanderings and its International Women's Day today

2010-03-08T14:50:00.003Z

International Women's Day today

a couple of Sundays ago it was vaguely sunny, and i wandered about with my camera.
here are a few bits and bobs.

i always look up at this tower on top of the library roof. i once saw two people actually walking about on that tiny balcony up there. this image probaly doesnt give the true height of the building because i am on a terrace opposite which is at least two stories higher than the street the library sits on.

i wandered down George IV Bridge to the Meadows. a couple of guys playing guitar and singing, a few others sitting on the bench with a cello (case) - perhaps. people generally milling about - sun coming out makes a difference.

then i walked through to George Square, hoping they had opened the garden and took a pic of all the bikes parked round the fence.
the garden wasnt open.

the area is all university buildings - old, medium and new.
one day last August a pal and i were walking past this building here and she stopped and said that it was her old school. we went to look in through the door, and someone let us in to the main hall to see.
its a university building now. it was George Watsons Ladies college.
another day, more recently, another pal and i were walking and she stopped and said exactly the same thing. i was quite surprised. we worked out that these two pals couldnt have known each other because of the age gap. but still. the things you find out about people you have known for years...

eventually got around to Chambers St and it was dusk, or twilight (whats the difference i wonder).

have always liked the Scottish Museum, think its quite sculptural. some people hate it.

so anyway - looking up.

looking up again - there is a restuarant up at the top with brilliant views.

another visit to Newburgh

2010-02-20T15:10:00.001Z

Last night was at the SSA opening where lots of pals have works hung. VAS was also opening that night, and more pals had works in it too. surprised to find a couple of pals who had just returned from 6 months travelling in India, were also there, and had work in VAS - it was lovely to see them. Mainly i enjoyed the throng and looking at a massive amount of work, stopping in front of anything that caught me.
a bad night time photo of the RSA taken on phone:

mid February had been very misty - given way now to colder, clearer, sunny days. mid Feb i spent a few days in Newburgh with R at her house. We went walks, as usual, by the estuary. We also went for walks new to me - one was by the old railway line to the old railway station, now completely overgrown and derelict - and for once i didnt have my camera so no photos. another time.
The other new walk was up the hill through the town right up to the path above the town.
very low tide on the estuary:

The walk up the hill through the town and looking back: first we stopped where we could still see R's house,

higher up and there is The Steeple - a converted church now artists studios and gallery

this old white house for some reason fascinated me, and i imagined living in it with all my children and animals in another life

finally - looking across to the bench on the top of the hill.

we retraced our steps down the hill and back through the town home for tea.

1st of the month and another coffee

2010-02-01T13:04:00.001Z

Image via Wikipedia

memory of boarding school - on the 1st of the month you had to say (shout) 'pinch punch first of the month veins return' whilst pinching and punching the girl you were shouting it at before she could do it to you. 'veins return' means she cant do it back. we had all these rules or 'doings', some of which i have remembered - for example when you found something, even if you knew who it belonged to, you held it up shouting 'quiz?' and someone who either wanted it, or who it belonged to, or who respnded just in case they might want it, responded 'ego'. you always had to shout. you could also use the 'veins return' if you were quizzing and you didnt want the thing.

ok so back to the present. just because it was 1st april today i remembered.. and its interesting that these days people pronounce ego as 'eego', whereas we pronounced it 'eggo', funny ol life.

would be nice to have some really amazing interesting stuff to report. i took a pic on my phone when having a quick coffee in the crypt of St. John's. Hendersons have now taken it over, so it is slightly different. a pic on my phone from where i was sitting - then i took one on my way out looking back, rather quickly so as not to make people feel peculiar and i caught it rather well, i thought, as it expressed what i felt! (the blur as i sweep out of the place)

Burns night, Coffee and happy 2010

2010-01-25T12:43:00.003Z

It is Burn's night, almost the end of January - so Happy New Year is a bit late!
i have just heard haggis has just been allowed to enter the USA - i was a bit bemused by the idea that the US had banned it in the first place - did they really believe it was some sort of animal? but then an explanation was forthcoming - it was because of the 'mad cow' scare .. ooohh..

having 'retired' from the gallery job, i am now cleaner in the same building - this sounds like a 'demotion' but is in fact a happy situation; the work is not mentally demanding, so i should have space in my head for my work - something i just didnt have when doing the gallery job. cleaning wont be so many hours as the gallery work, so also more time for studio work.
still editing the website too.

Getting some distance from the gallery job - letting go - i didnt go in for several weeks, but stayed home and did 'home' things, and visited cafes with a book - i am currently reading Amitav Ghosh 'The Glass Palace', which i am loving. i first read Sea of Poppies by him, and was totally captivated - partly by the subject matter but also by his writing - the research and range of his work. anyone interested in India, the Far East, the old East India Company and how it began - the Opium Wars etc.. the lives of ordinary people, the workers, the factories, shipping - not about the big 'Burra Sahibs' so much. and he writes beautifully.

SO. no - i am not shouting! just a new subject; visits to coffee shops - started to take a photo with my phone of my coffee visits - but i keep forgetting! so only got a few, its just as well as the phone camera isnt that good. The Elephant House, where it is rumoured JK wrote the Harry Potter books - actually i think she used a few cafes.. but still.. its a nice view of the castle you get from here.

Hendersons, the Original Vegetarian cafe and bistro - true - i remember coming here in the '70's - and a few people i knew made the wooden things - the bar, mirror surrounds etc., someone else the lamp shades, another person the screen.. all still there.

christmas day

2009-12-30T13:03:00.000Z

on my way to spend the day with my 'extra' family, through the Meadows in the snow:

it was a lovely walk. a few people about, walking the dog, building a snowman, trying out a new pressie.

snow

2009-12-23T22:53:00.001Z

snow. well if you didnt know it was snowing you must be living in a cupboard or on another planet.
at least waking up today i found proper snow, properly piled, properly fluffy that you could walk through and leave footprints in.
the close and the back courtyard it leads to:

recently i have been thinking about Kitty - remembering Kitty. those who have known me long enough will remember her. she died in september 1993. i could never get another cat, never replace her. anyway, for some inexplicable reason i have recently been thinking a lot about a cat - another oriental one - and am beginning to obsesse (obssese?) about it to the point of googling them online. Oh Dear. A Bee in My Bonnet.
i imagine a small kitten and training it to have a harness for taking for walks (you couldnt do that with a moggy cat) (i dont think anyway)(orientals are part monkey, part dog and part cat so you can).
Oh Dear oh dear...
i Cant have a cat.
i cant seem to stop thinking about it.
if i got one, i'd have to have two.
how expensive is that, how much of a responsibility is that..
oh gawd
To Cap It All R4 is now broadcasting a morning reading all about someone living somewhere rural who finds a kitten and rescues it against his better nature, and it all just goes to feed into my cat-bee.
the kitten runs up to sit on his shoulder, clawing his clothes and various parts of his skin in the process. i remember that. i remember the hairs - no more black jumpers. in fact jumpers in general go in for a bashing - all that happy cat-knitting.
yes and the cold nose right up on my nose, the paw swipe 'hey pay attention', the greeting when i get home - 'me me me givemeacuddle carryme carryme' - the furry hug, head nestling into my neck. i could never replace kitty which is why it is such a surprise to find myself suddenly so struck.
so maybe writing it down will help get the bee out. release the bee.
think about other things.

2009-12-19T11:52:00.001Z

oh lord it'll soon be christmas. finally managed to get parcels posted to siblings and their families. not big things, just enough. now need to find small bits and bobs for the gathering on christmas day. my first husband's youngest brother and his wife and daughter, and their mum, and wife's mum, and old family friend, and then my first husband's second wife and her second husband.. we are all pals. unfortunately my first husband died a few years ago. we knew each other as teenagers in Calcutta, their mum looking after me when my mother and father went away on travels.

one or two coffee shops - a new one on Victoria st - a view out of the window:

taken some time ago but you get the idea.

some weeks ago i went to a 'scratch' performance of an artist friend of mine - his art; video installations in collaboration with a musician who composed music and played it accompanying video. 'scratch' because it was not the final piece - apparently, but a trial. They performed it at the gallery weeks later, all 'tweaked and synched' and it was a resounding success.
anyway, the original 'scratch' was at Napier uni music department which is at Craighouse - the most beautiful, castle-like, mental hospital ever built (probably). in keeping with most of the schools in Edinburgh built by philanthropists - they built virtual castles. of course its not a hospital now, but university. the hospital where Siegfried Sassoon was during WWI is up the road, i think i am right is saying.
great views from the grounds:

2009-12-09T13:46:00.002Z

Christmas at Harvey Nics, Edinburgh.

amazingly colourful and lavish windows. 6 huge windows, each a different theme, and the ones above hung and lit a different colour. the stuff of dreams. i can remember when i was manager of a jewellery shop - the cheaper 'fun' sort, not the posh sort - noticing when people were feeling the financial pinch, they tended to splash out on cheap colourful fun jewellery. i wonder whether living in a western affluent society a general need is felt for fantasy, where perhaps those in less afluent societies, who tend to have to rely on their own entertainment, and make do with less, dont need to rely so much on large stores to supply them with imges of fantasy - they can create their own.

am i talking through a hole in my head? i dont know. i am just wondering about it all. the harvey nics display caught my attention, and then i began to question what i was attracted to and one thought led to another.

one of my best christmases was when we lived in the borders, no tv, no shops and lots of snow. no central heating, just one open fire, and lots of adventures into the woods and dumps and various places looking for wood to burn and digging up ancient bottles. midnight sliding down a snow covered slopy field on trays, making food and having a few pals in from round about, telling stories in the round, wading thigh deep a couple of miles down the road to the pub while pretending to be intrepid explorers with strange names (i wont go on), playing pool and being given a lift back in a landrover. and christmas went on for at least a week. we were snowed in for much of the time.

i think most people i knew then tended to make a lot of stuff themselves, more self reliant.

so here is another picture - no fancy ribbons and tinsel - just an old ugly building which is empty, where some bright spark has had the idea to print other people's thoughts about the city. plain and simple. you notice it or you dont, so it is in a way hidden by the fact that there is no bright colour or flashing light to make sure you see it.

i like that.

my eyes are still attracted to the bright harvey nics windows - reluctantly - i have to admit - they are quite well done.

so just to end, here is one more!

2009-11-19T14:10:00.001Z

and suddenly its November - and the time of leaves changing their colours - the Rowans so noticable here in town with their array of gold - rust - deep crimson leaves.

the weather keeps trying to change to very chilly, and you know that very soon it will change to the very cold beginning of winter.

there was a trip to Eyemouth that i havent yet had enough time to put up here.

it was early October, and Morelle and I decided to use our brand new Bus Passes and take a trip to Eyemouth. it turned out to be where she used to go as a child for family summer holidays, staying in the caravan park up on the cliff! so it was a bit of a trip down memory lane. she took me to the cafe where they always went - it is still there

there its ..

and...

after a much needed coffee we walked beside the esturary, some old fishing boats moored but most boats fishing at sea. it was not a particularly sunny day - in fact it was downright grey! nevertheless it was good being out of town, and exploring somewhere different.

its a very sheltered harbour, being an estuary

yes yes c'est moi

Eyemouth has a bit of interesting history - none of which can i now remember! i think it had to do with smuggling. there was a huge house built right on the side of the river estuary which i seem to remember has stories attached to it regarding hidden caves or underground places for the smugglers' loot. in fact i think that castellated roof might be the roof of that house. i didnt think to take a photo of it.

walking out of town along the coast - the rock formations are fascinating. we found an old bench and sat there with sandwiches and juice. a golf course behind us and the occasional golfer having a shot, and occasional walkers with dogs passing by.

mistified by the message on the bench - this is the one we sat on for lunch!

rock forms - amazing!

a walk from St Monan's to Pittenweem

2009-09-21T12:23:00.011+01:00

St. Monan's sheltered harbour.

(below): just outside St. Monan's is the old swimming pool, you can still see the cobbled pool floor.

this part of the walk, just outside St Monan's, are the remains of the saltpans - an incredible process and amount of work to get the salt. and the old windmill which drove it all is now a museum about it. if you click on images they should enlarge

remains of St Monan's saltpans all grassed over

views along the way to Pittenweem

the old swimming pool for Pittenweem - the notice says its no longer maintained by the council so bathers use it at their own risk there is Pittenweem in the distance

Pittenweem harbour and fishing boats

a fishing boat had just come in attracting a load of gulls

loch lomond

2009-09-20T13:15:00.015+01:00

last weekend, with friends on their boat on Loch Lomond. they ski-ed. i didnt. i had a go a couple of years ago - first time since ski-ing in Thailand aged 11 - 12. anyway, this was northern waters which necessitates wearing a dry suit. it was too big for me, and when i got into the water it ballooned up and i felt like a michelin man, and didnt manage to get up on skis! enough! but good to watch pals ski. beautiful Loch - beautiful September day, we went all the way up to Ardlui at the top of the Loch and stopped off for a pint. This is apparntly Rob Roy's cave: (below)

Pint at Ardlui

wet people in dry suits - one out of water, other jumping in

end of day

on the way back to Edinburgh

the edinburgh common ridings

2009-09-06T14:41:00.005+01:00

caught just now - common ridings - revival of an old custom..

festival time

2009-08-22T14:58:00.009+01:00

check out Scotsman review of 'Power Plant' a sound and light experience at the Botanics! it is quite something.. scroll down the page till you get to 'power trip' and watch that video.

otherwise life in the festival is the usual mixture of amusement, meeting of old friends, and 'people overload irritation syndrome'... and a show tonight with a pal; The Return of Ulysses, The Royal Ballet of Flanders - looking forward to it, should be good.

changes in town for those of us who now live abroad

2009-08-22T14:29:00.014+01:00

remember Teviot place - student union - George Sq - and the large open space car park with the view to Arthur's Seat? well this is the new uni building that blocks all that out.

and now for ... what they have done and are doing with the old Edinburgh Royal Infirmary...

big blue Underbelly tent - Teviot

Victoria St., the last old shop has gone - it was the old lace shop, replaced by the new cafe there. i havent been in it yet.

the new building at the top of Victoria St replaces the '60s monstrosity - i suppose it is marginally better. it is the new Missoni hotel, and a pizza place...

GUESS what this is...

my birthday

2009-08-22T13:55:00.005+01:00

night

campsite and a pic of Falkland Palace, nearby.

Image via Wikipedia

so much time has flown by since last blog entry.

it was my birthday in july - a 'Big 0' birthday!! i reserved a part of a wine bar down a close off the High St - so it was outside covered with huge umbrellas. lots of people came, bearing wonderful gifts - it was a lovely evening. pals i have known since teenage Calcutta times, to musician and related pals, to artist and related pals, all sorts together and some new connections made amongst them which is always enjoyable.

a few of us drove up to Falkland in Fife the next day, to The Big Tent festival, where we had erected our tents in the camping area the day before - on my birthday before the evening party - in monsoon-like rain. luckily the day was warm and sunny and there was some wonderful music especially Mr McFall's Chamber - brilliant - and some fab food - all organic and locally grown/farmed etc. stalls - loads of things going on - in a beautiful place.

naturally that night people were up and about singing and banging drums and stuff till about 5 - before i dropped off anyway. woke in the morning wet - it was raining and getting into the tent and my wellies under the outside bit had filled with water and the mud was thick and the loos were too ghastly!!

we decided to pack up and load the car. by the time we had managed all that the sun had come out again and it was another lovely day. we headed back to edinburgh later. so that was my 'last minute' festival experience - reminding me that i am now actually as old as my years tell me!!

still i am glad we went - overall it was a really good time.

because it is so hard to deal with photos on this blog, i am going to start a new one for the next lot i want to put up.

sister's birthday, sailing and visiting

2009-06-22T11:39:00.012+01:00

it was my sister's birthday last week. late again - i managed to allow myself to be late so that i could find things to send her - all the way over there in the USA, so far away.. i worried i would not know what she likes any more, i wouldnt know what interests her, what she likes wearing, what colour is her favorite. but then i thought what i sent would just be wee 'thoughts' and a memory or two from me and the UK! i think she was quite pleased!

a picture of us sitting near the Pentland Hills outside Edinburgh years ago, we were with our parents, who we both miss a lot still and probably always will.

sailing one weekend with cousins in the Firth of Forth - racing! first time i have done that.

Newburgh, Fife:

then this weekend just gone to Newburgh in Fife with a pal who had just bought a house there - a small country town on the edge of the river Tay, near Perth. there is a view of the River from her garden where you can just make out the reed bed which is grown and harvested still for all the thatched roofs.

the local Games were on that day, and we saw a bit of the dancing competition, and also the piping competition, and some last minute practicing in the car park.

we wandered down by the river to the tiny yacht club, and found a mum with her two wee ones learning to swim in the river.

it was a lovely weekend.

Kids in Taxis

2009-06-09T10:39:00.003+01:00

Every year the Edinburgh taxis spend a day taking Edinburgh kids out in their taxis, they decorate their taxis, fill them with kids, and go about town tooting their horns. today was such a day. the children had all been armed with huge water pistols and anyone unwise enough to be standing on the pavements waving were drenched for their trouble!!

i think the taxis take the kids somewhere nice for the day, not sure but i expect so.

A Bug and A Bird

2009-06-06T20:01:00.003+01:00

A curoius bug. sitting in George Square gardens recently, reading my book and eating an apple, i looked down
and there on my skirt is this bug - like a lady bird but all the wrong colours. what happened - did it wake up
that day and just think "all this red and black is just so not me" - or is it just not a ladybird at all.
silly question, i know.

earlier i had been eating a sandwich and i noticed a slight scratching about and a soft peep...peep... behind me very close. i slowly turned round to find a blackbird poking about there, so i carefully crumbled up tiny bits of bread and threw behind. at first he was a bit nervous and hopped away, but then he came back again and now and again utterd another couple of peep... peeps.. and got used to my back throws of crumbs.

with the weather now being so much warmer, i have been able to have windows wide open. several mornings waking before the general hum and noise of the city takes on there has been a thrush singing. unbelievable, but true. it has cheered me up a lot reminding me of the year I spent living in Iona; the winter in a house by the sea - come spring and a thrush took to sitting on the chimney pot above my bedroom and singing his heart out to wake me up in the morning. i loved it. amazed to discover this happening in a busy street in town, i scoured the rooftops till i eventually spotted him, perched on a tv aerial high up on the roof of a tenement over the road.
What happy amazing beings they seem to be.

The Botanics and many Memories

2009-06-06T19:34:00.008+01:00

my visit to the Botanics the other day - first one for such a long time - brought a lot of memories.

here's a picture; a blue Himalayan poppy, or two.

on arriving - going through the gates into the intense green, the bird song - i started to relax.
in the late 80s, i was visiting the Botanics regularly, especially with my partner Dave and a South African friend who was (is) a gardener - a Biodynamic gardener, Brian.

He loved the Blue Himalyan poppies, and i think they had only just been put into the Botanics, as they seemed unusual. Brian would often get me down to the Botanics because he wanted to see the herbaceous border, or he wanted to see the Azaeleas which were starting to bloom, and then the Himalayan Blue poppies - so now when i see them I just think of Brian.

Brian went back to South Africa eventually, and very soon after Mandela was released. i remember that because it was so momentous and i was so pleased for Brian as well. Dave, Brian and i used to hang out a lot. Brian & Dave were as different as chalk and cheese and i used to enjoy their winding each other up a lot. One time we headed off to a folk festival up in Angus, where we discovered there was an 'alternative' one in the hills where travelers parked their trucks and musicians played in their improvised stages with improvised sound systems, and people went about dabbing wode on each other - amongst other things.

i missed Brian dreadfully when he left. i knew it was right for him to go, to try and take part in his country's struggles or whatever, but i missed him a lot. He was at the flat with Dave and me that new year's eve my mother phoned to say my father had been taken into hospital.
Brian was always about, bright, cheery, sometimes depressed, quick to laugh, quick witted and comical, an easy arm round the shoulder and a great accent to imitate.

Going along the pathway up by the rockery, seeing the notices 'no picnics, no sunbathing, no dogs' (no dogs?!), on the grassy paths leading into the rockery for some reason brought to mind many visits to the Botanics in the 70s with Z and H and others, it was almost second nature to go down there in our free time. We would often sit in amongst the rockery, sunbathing with some food in those days; it was also reputed to be where Peter Caddy had his 'vision' that let to the start of Findhorn. I have a feeling that the rockery wasnt as formal as it is now. I might be mistaken.

Now i visit so rarely. I remember Z and H and I taking pictures of each other each in front of our favourite trees, in order to send to some healer or other - i dont remember what happened with them, i expect we forgot.

Healers and spiritualists and all that seemed quite normal to us in those days. we believed most things that seemed magical enough; things that were non materialistic, non scientific and non aggressive, in those days.

We still had dreams then, that the world could be changed, that everyone and everything could be healed and all wrongs righted.

we bought most of our clothes from the old clothes shops in Stockbridge - clothes from all decades from Edwardian to '50s, and we invented our own ways of wearing things. We threw away our bras (we didnt burn them!) and shared everything.

There were guardian angels, there were spirit guides, there were beings to help if you only asked. we believed in wholefoods, working in the first (contrary to some people's story) wholefood shop in Scotland, we had a big four ton truck which was painted green with our big yellow wholefood logo on the side. Those weird cranks who had a wholefood shop!

Sometimes we trucked it all the way down to London wholesalers to pick up sacks of wholefoods, sometimes we trucked it all the way up to Forres and Findhorn to deliver them theirs - when they were still a collection of caravans and a low wooden cafe place. we used to play music to truck to on the way; the Eagles, the Ozark Mountain Daredevils, others like that.

One time Z and i hired a mini van, grabbed a mattress for the back and a load of ordnance survey maps of the Borders and set off for a couple of weeks looking for land to buy so that we could all move to the country and grow the food we sold.

We decided to call in on all the big estates and ask them if they had any land they wanted to sell. we slept in the van, parked in fields, with the back doors open for our feet and fresh air, and one morning we were woken by a horse licking our feet. We stopped off at a local hotels and grabbed quick washes in their loo wash-hand basins, without being discovered. we played Bob Dylan's Pat Garret album a lot and we sang a lot.

Most people in their huge houses either didnt answer the door or werent very helpful. But there was one place who invited us in to their amazing 'pad' (mansion), terribly well to do and posh they were, and very interested in what we were doing. They gave us tea and cake and told us that it would be unlikely that anyone would sell a small amount of land, that we would be more likely to get lucky if we were to buy much larger amounts of land.

We wouldnt be able to afford that, so it wasnt any use. nice of them, though. and later we ended up somewhere way off the main road, down a track into a glen where a couple of our friends lived, far from anywhere. we went for a skinny dip in the burn.

Recife and other things

2009-04-06T19:30:00.007+01:00

THE THREE SEA HORSES WERE ON THE WALL IN OUR HOUSE IN RECIFE, i thought i should just add - they were plaster sea horses; one red, one blue and one green. i remember my mum teaching me the colours.
me off to school. the sitting room where the sea horses were on the wall you cant see to the left. below - off to a fancy dress party! (looks so 50's). and that must be the side of the house (below).
the inside of an aircraft, not sure which one - perhaps a Dakota? or is it too big for that? cant remember! it was 'home' to me though.

PLEASE note that if pics dont seem to correspond with the text, then its becuase i cant seem to get them to 'gel' properly.

ON WITH THE BLOG:

well while my sister (bellasis as i call her) is busy being American (!!see her latest blog on Bellamocha) i am trying to find time to finish off my collection of photos of Iona (taken over the years) in order to put up in the blog instead of putting other people's - see the side thingummy of Iona pics - not mine :-(..

i seem to have too many projects on at once, which means i only really ever get the ones done which involve not letting people down. oh well, one day, eh?

Rosie and i went to the 20th anniversary celebration of Leith School of Art (click for link)last week - it was really good - some lovely and some thoughtful and some humerous and varied work. I thought of my pal Kate now in Argentina living a very different life!! Kate if you read this - i thought of you. I saw Kenneth but he was busy - SO many people came, it was brilliant. Carole had some work up, but i didnt see her. I think it was Therese, Kate, who was welcoming peeple at the door - looking really well.

what else in life - well, just awful news about the earthquake in Italy - i cant imagine being in my bed and that happening, actually i cant imagine it not in my bed either. Poor souls. how small are we, like peas bobbing about in a huge sea.

Sisters

2009-03-14T12:06:00.001Z

two sisters... a few years apart..

who do you think you are?

2009-03-03T18:25:00.006Z

watched Zoe Wannamaker on 'who do you think you are?' - bbc, click the title to see the webiste - it was really moving as well as being interesting historically - her dad, Sam, left the USA just before he was going to get supena - duuh cant spell - called to answer questions about unamerican activities - mccarthy etc. anyway, it was he who went on to restore the globe theatre in london. there was all about how sam had come to the usa with his family from russia (ukraine now), and then she went to the place they had come from and discovered more about their life there and why they had left - they were jewish and there were a lot of progroms in those days in that area, they lived in dire poverty as well. i wishes for Zoe that her dad and her grandpa were still alive for her to talk to, but it was .. as Zoe said .. amazing .. peoples' stories..

today i ventured outside with shoes on, no i havent been out in bare feet - i just havent been out! but the leg got very sore again. went to john lewis to decide whether i should buy another pair of MBTs (mine are being re-soled). i tried a pair on and kept them on as long as poss because of the immediate relief!! but decided to soldier on a bit longer as the assistant said my ones were sent back on friday and should get here any day now.

i have to get walking again anyway, have to get to gallery tomorrow for meetings and work etc. so will probably take a stick for back up.

anyway just wanted to say about the 'who do you think you are?' programme.

cheerie!
:-)

i will probably regret putting this up ;-)

2009-02-27T04:04:00.005Z

how odd it is that when pain goes away, and stays away for some time, it is so easily forgotten. i am talking from experience - now in pain, having not been for quite some time. i forget how damn debilitating it is, and how tiring, and how scary life seems because there is so much to get done, and then i start to think of the normal things i take for granted which also need to be done as usual, and i despair a bit. but then it is the middle of the night, and things are always worse then. i am up writing now having given up completely any idea of being able to lie in bed to sleep. i have to pace about the flat a lot of the time as it is too sore to lie down, or sit down even. i am sitting now but will probably have to get up again soon.

i thought i would turn on the laptop and check emails (none arrive in the middle of the night), so then i checked bank account (much the same as before), and now i am checking blogs - no one has written anything new so i decided to ramble on by way of distracting myself.

it was a friend's birthday today, i managed to get myself up there using my stick and a bus. i thought i cant not go, thats so mean and weedy. some of the bus seats are just the wrong height and catch me in the back of the leg to make it really sore, other seats are not so bad. but it was better than walking. anyway, glad i went, of course, it was nice to see people. i didnt stay long, but it was fine.

actually all i want to do is sleep, but unless i can learn to do it standing up, i dont think i shall be able to! well, of course what happens is that you dont sleep all night, you pace, you swear, you try to lie down, sit down, cant, get up again, and say out loud how am i supposed to DO this? (no answer of course) because you cant believe it. but then by morning you are so worn out that (hopefully) sleep takes over.. at least thats what has happened before.. but then you just miss out on whole days.

oh and the floor boards squeak and groan and so you hobble about trying to miss the worse places convinced that in the quiet of the night the poor old downstairs neighbour will be disturbed, and you hobble into the kitchen to make a cup of tea and worry that the noise will disturb the upstairs neighbours whose bedroom is above.
sometimes you just dont worry about it at all - everything is just too bad.

i cant seem to do any work in the studio when like this, just cant free my mind up, or settle, the pain just seems to take over. sometimes i try lie-ing in bed, light out, hot water bottle cosied up, and try to sink into the pain as if i can sort of get relaxed into it, hoping it will ease.. but no matter how i try it doesnt really seem to work. not when it is this acute anyway.

well time for another pace about. (it's mi arthritis, by the way, not a new injury!). :-)

a few days in the Lakes

2009-02-20T11:34:00.002Z

the four posts that follow this are all of a few days i had in the Lakes with my pal Rosie, who was house sitting. we seem to have packed a lot in. also there were Jenny, her sister who lives beside the house, and Rebecca another pal from edinburgh (via the US, tho she is now honorary Scot like me and Rosie!). this is where Rosie is from originally, so home to her.
we also visited Grange-over-Sands, and Kendall, and i went a long walk myself and got totally lost, the only thing that helped me out was my phone having gps!! never thought i would have to use that, and i was in some woods on a hill!!

Hampsfell, Lakes

2009-02-20T11:15:00.007Z

a walk in Hampsfell, a very unusual geological feature - limestone pavements. they are protected, so unusual. strange landscape. its just behind the village we were staying in. see the snowy hills in the distance.
Rosie and Jenny going down hill

there - that is a view of Morecambe Bay with the tide out. it is huge - vast.. and when the tide comes in it comes in really fast. there are strong eddies and there are quicksands..
Morecambe bay from Hampsfell

another M Bay from Hampsfell

Rosie and Jenny's brother's ashes are here, his favourite place

a little marker that his children made

at the top of Hampsfell is this, called a 'Hospice'! very old, very sweet. you can go up top and the view is amazing. you can go inside, there are lovely old notices and sayings in it, and stone ledges you can sit or lie on with a fireplace to light a fire and keep warm.

some of the rock forms made by glaciers on the limestone pavement

this is old Greek, it says 'The Rosie Fingered Dawn'

the house at Lindale

2009-02-20T11:01:00.006Z

one of the cats, who, along with some large fish, had to be fed and looked after while the owners were away.

there in the distance you can just see the sliver of Morecambe Bay.

the house from the garden.

Jenny's wee house next to where Rosie and i stayed. Jenny; Rosie's sister. snow. obviously.
in daylight, well, dusk.

the view of the garden from the house. you can see Morecambe Bay in the distance when its clear

the green house

a very misty snowy garden

Tarn Hows

2009-02-20T10:50:00.004Z

snowy hills and reflections. we couldnt work out what those white skid marks in the ice were made by - lots of theories though!!

snow on the high hills

we walked all the way round

most of the lake was frozen over but not strong enough to skate on.
the start of the walk. the photos are all the wrong order i forgot to upload the last first.. so annoying. but never mind.

John Ruskin's house on Lake Coniston

2009-02-20T10:32:00.005Z

at Ruskin's place, its the white one at the top.

This is Ruskin's house.

the view over Coniston from Ruskin's house
just outside the lovely tea shop at Ruskin's pad!
lovely coffee and cakes and home made soup etc. and a wood burning stove.

the girls getting back in the car! it had started snowing!!

a day out at Tyninghame

2009-01-26T10:09:00.012Z

rosie and me drove down to tyninghame (pronounced tinning'm, kind of!) east of edinburgh to visit a friend. lovely walk to the beach and along the beach and back again through the woods with dog - trevor, or was it jeffrey?

pingie green trees at car park

log cabin the duke built for his wife.

the sea! the sea! and the bass rock

t and r

r and d

trevor right behind rosie, with the greyhound's stick which he pinched when its owner threw it for him. we thought perhaps we might not know trevor

setting sunlight

setting sunlight r and d

Herons for Jane

2009-01-12T18:11:00.003Z

there were two herons there when i walked along beside the Water of Leith today, on my way to Jane's funeral. it was a lovely bright sunny day. and i thought how Jane would have liked it that there were herons to be seen that day.

i am just back from the funeral reception.

it was a shock to learn of my friend's death, and i was sad that we had fallen out of touch over the past year, but then i just dont expect my friends to die. Jane was diagnosed with cancer of the brain and lung 6 months ago. i didnt know.

life and death. i chose red roses, thistles and yellow alstromeria for her. before the funeral, walking along with my flowers, stopping for a coffee because i was too early, the nice man in the shop joking 'oh you shouldnt have!' (about the flowers of course), setting off again and bumping into a pal who said exactly the same thing.. but who also confirmed the directions to the crematorium. and then the walk by the water of leith; sun, herons, flowers, and thoughts of Jane and me on Iona, Jane and me at her parents' house in Fife after her mum died.. lots of shared times at college before that. our hopes and struggles.

then after the funeral. the reception. keeping it together still somehow in a shared cheerieness all remembering Jane. and then you all leave.

and she is just gone. she is just not. it is the hardest thing about death, i think; is that it is so difficult for the mind to grasp Absence - complete and utter Absence. it is as if its incomprehensible, you still expect the person to turn up again..

and each loss seems to bring up previous ones.

Warriston crematorium is one of the oldest ones in the uk, i believe. anyway, apart from that, it is also the one where my baby son was cremated. i had not been back there since then (the '70s). but i have had it in mind for many years to go and research whereabouts his ashes might actually be - if anywhere. just find out. i keep putting it off.

the thing is, the chapel Jane's funeral was in was the tiny wee one that my son's was in. that i was really not expecting. i just kept staring at the stained glass doves on the wall above 'the hole'. i kept remembering how his tiny coffin was sat there, how numb i was, i couldnt sing. i tried to sing for Jane instead.

we die. we disappear. our rituals help us say goodbye. but the loss never goes away.

hoping for a good 2009

2009-01-07T12:24:00.004Z

4th jan, outside my window. a clear night, lots of clear nights and icy freezing weather. this time last year it was snow and not as cold. yes that is a star in the sky!
anyway if nothing else, wishing all who might read this the very best of everything for 2009.

Fire at Kushi's

2008-12-21T18:51:00.004Z

CLICK TITLE FOR PICS.
friday night a huge fire broke out just literally over the road and down steps to the street on the lower level from me.
the only good thing is that with such a huge blaze no one was hurt at all.
i remember Kushi's way back in the early '70s, it was just a wee place in a small side street then, where you could go and get authentic Indian food, totally unfancy, with plastic table cloths (actually maybe they didnt have any at all, i cant remember!) very friendly and informal, and affordable.
over the years the business obviously grew and grew until it recently opened in this old church building, and was doing really well.
the old building hasnt been used as a church for a long long time - it was a kind of market for a while, not terribly successful really; but when Kushi's took it over it looked as if at last the building was going to be cheered up and feel better about itself.

Bellasis moved to wordpress

2008-12-18T04:39:00.004Z

Iona christmas 2000

i miss Iona dreadfully, its the first year since 1993 that i have not been. :-(
i decided i just have to accept it and get on with learning how to be in one place all the time with no escapes. its hard, and also feels like losing a very good friend - and i mourn it.

please note - Bellasis now at Wordpress - have added the link to my list. lovely wee videos of my neice performing in the Nutcracker!
Rivertrain's latest blog is a powerful one, and worth a visit as well.

i am stuck being unwell for the last 2 weeks, so have no news or interesting things to report. am a bit debilitated by pain and lack of sleep due to pain. a friend has just pointed out that there is an issue with Statins and muscle pain - which i have been googling and am a bit shocked about. i am thinking of stopping taking statins now.

i have not been out to do any christmas shopping, and am likely to miss posting dates if i ever do get out to do any.

i shall have to try and find a cheery photo to put up. oh i know. hmmm

christmas in iona 2000. oh i forgot, they all go to the top automatically.

Local Hero!

2008-12-04T19:34:00.002Z

reading my sis' blog - see Bella Mocha - and her picture of telephone boxes, and her american pals' commenting on the telephone booths, i had to comment and tell them all to find the film Local Hero - my most fav film ever, really. i wish i could find a photo of that telephone box to put up. but unfortunately, it isnt quite in the place that it was in the film, they had to move it! anyway. the LINK is in the TITLE of this blog - so click to have a look at some other people's thoughts. and maybe an interesting website if you are into movies!

have a look at this link too:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/north_east/6203845.stm

another film that is also my most favourite of all is The Winter Guest. look for that one too.
http://www.moviemail-online.co.uk/film/54925/The-Winter-Guest/

there.
'byee!

2008-11-30T13:31:00.003Z

heard about a new book on the radio - (I think) it was called Secret Lives of Words - anyway, sounds really good, must look out for it. looking at roots of words and so on. i like stuff like that.
downstairs neighbour hammering a nail in (somewhere) when all our electrics went off in the whole stair! (meaning, all 5 houses in the stair, but not the stairway itself).
so a bit of running up and down checking everyone else's had gone out, and poor old downstairs neighbour worried it was his fault...
sorted now of course.
but it made me think, what would we do if we really didnt have any electricity? no internet, no tv, no radio, no music.. luckily have gas cooker, could cook, and had one or two candles, and lit the wood burning stove. and then i got the fiddle out!! sat and had a muck about on it first time for a couple of years.
oh oh looks like blogger connection is going funny this might all get lost. will stop now.

if in doubt talk about the weather .. duuhh (monday 24th nov)

2008-11-22T15:28:00.004Z

4.50pm in the studio yesterday.

how awfully neat it looks.

i took it for the amazing sky, but the flash more or less wiped out the intense colour.

that was last Friday - i began but didnt finish, and now i am supposed to be doing the accounts, i will have a break and finish this. Monday now.

cant quite think of anything interesting to say.
the weather forecasts over the weekend have been for snow in the east, but all we had here were clear skies and sunshine. bitterly cold.. well, slight exaggeration - its not really bitter, its just that sharp pinchy type of cold.

better stop until i have something interesting to say. doing accounts is not in the least inspiring to creative thought, or thought of any kind in my case.

11.11.11.08

2008-11-11T11:34:00.003Z

they shall grow not old,

as we that are left grow old:

age shall not weary them,

nor the years condemn,

at the going down of the sun

and in the morning

we will remember them.

Wilfred Owen (1893-1918) "Dulce et Decorum Est "
Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep.
Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod.
All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.

Gas! GAS! Quick, boys! -- An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime . . .
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under I green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues, --
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

a weekend in Pitlochry

2008-11-08T11:46:00.006Z

end of festival wee session in bar - thinking of you Kate!

we stayed in a lodge flat at the Atholl Palace Hotel!! R and i had use of the spa - fabulous. a leafy walk up a path to the lodge. nearby an ancient wood with a huge waterfall inside.

river tummel

the plant explorers garden

and the fish ladder! brilliant! they can record the amount of salmon that go up it - so far it was just over 4,000 this season. they swim through tunels to the next pool, and there are two resting pools for the salmon! didnt realise they could read so well..

and at the top of the fish ladder, and the dam, here is loch faskally.
looking down the way again - you can see another part of the fish ladder.

fabulous trees

the lodge where we stayed

the only problem with this blog i find is that the text and images never seem to stay where you put them, so sometimes the text doesnt make sense.

well all breathe a huge sigh of relief

2008-11-08T11:31:00.003Z

everyone i know, and everyone i speak to is breathing sighs of relief that Obama has been voted president elect of usa. PHEW. i was almost scared to go to sleep that night, nervous that he would not be voted in at the last minute.. but hurray!

in a slight way it kind of reminded me of when finally at last tony blair and labour got voted in after years of gruelling ghastly conservatives.. such euphoria, so much emotion - a new start .. etc etc. however, of course, inevitably, those emotions faded over the years as a new government can only take ages it seems to make changes. politics seems slow. we in the uk have become cynical - well i should speak for myself! i have become cynical - i have felt 'party politics' is dead and all we have now are Thatcher's children..

i know its an awful lot more complicated than that - but it seems there are no more values or beliefs, there is only economics. but this is where Barak Obama's election feels different - because it denotes so much more than just another party with different economic ideas. not saying economics is not important because of course it is, but there are so many more issues, and it looks like he is going to try to deal with some of them.

just - after the emotional euphoria settles down, then - he has to still be given a chance.. lets try not to go all cynical if things dont change immediately..

plus - Samhuinn - visit the Beltane Fire Society website

2008-11-01T10:31:00.006Z

i missed the Samhuinn parade last night - i usually hang out my window and see them all - but i was out elsewhere. have a wee video i took in 2006, on a tiny pix camera not very good, but gives a bit of an idea. after 4 hours uploading it igot fed up and cancelled.

the Beltane Fire Society website (click this blog's title) has info about the fire festivals, and how Samhuinn originated and turned into what is now called 'Halloween'. (some say 'savin', some say 'sawen', probably other pronounciations as well).

so today, a few of us are off to Pitlochry to the Perthshire Amber Festival.. the sun is shining and it all seems far away from a night of hobgoblins and weird beings.

oh - Grace Jones...

2008-11-01T10:05:00.004Z

a crazy evening listening to the new Grace Jones - and 'Who Can Do the Best Grace Jones Cover?' (first album) (courtesy of Kitchen Implements)

hmm - nah..

well, a bit better if you look at it the right way round..

Ha! What??? no, no its not golf...

aye thats more like it..

oh dear, giggling collapse

aha! now the pro! (not quite sure about the pointy toe?)

who actually has a copy of the album cover - is this it?!!

2008-10-26T22:57:00.003Z

yesterday went to opening of a friend's exhibiton out at Aberlady in the nature reserve.
see link
http://www.the-soc.org.uk/news.htm#flowers

it was a wild and windy day, but worth the trip for the artwork - two artists both paint flowers but in totally different ways. it was nice being out of town as well. i went along with two other pals.

when i got home i discovered one of my windows had blown open (was a bit worried it might when i realised the strength of the wind). anyway - rain had got into plugs, books, and onto the laptop, but seemingly after a wipe and time to dry off - no damage done. window all taped up now.

no sketches done.

Alligin

2008-10-23T10:56:00.009+01:00

below - Alligin bus shelter! inside the willows

left - Diabeg. below Ben Alligin behind the house

view from house and Loch Torridon 'beach',

this is Alligin

on the shores of Loch Torridon

where Rosie and i went for a

weekend to stay with a friend

who lives there.
we went for long walks, and a few drives around.
magic.

yes it is still 23rd - but it Really Is 23rd now.

so yesterday's scribble:

a sketch a day (today's is done but not photographed and i am off to bed)

2008-10-23T00:01:00.014+01:00

right. (in my day-reality its still 22nd). now today - another idea to start. i began making a sketch a day in august, and then stopped due to being busy etc - the idea was that the sketch was to be immediate; top of my head thing, not precious, not skilled, just stream of consciousness.

click on image to enlarge if you actually want to read scribblings

this idea was (is) one of my ploys to get me back into working on my own work again - get my head back into 'thinking' in that way again, although its also to do with a sort of 'widening' of the brain (or head) so that there is more space in it to let things come in. (otherwise it is just crammed full of worry about money, worry about this and that - dont for get the other, and oh, what about such and such and oops i forgot so and so...)

and on and on like that - i always think 'when i have got all this SORTED, i will begin' - but i never will get it sorted - because there is always more and more, so now i just have to make time to push it all away

these are the beginnings

i am putting them up hoping it will make me stick to it!

they will all go to the top of this blog page, and i have to upload the last first or they will all be the wrong way round.

bluddy 'eck m'n, eh?!

(its very late - on 22nd or early on 23rd depending on how you look at it)

from one bird sanctuary to another bird sanctuary

2008-09-25T22:24:00.005+01:00

more soon... 22nd october now - these pics are from a bird sanctuary in kent, beside where some family live. its called Bough Beech and lots of men in corduroys stand looking through their 'bins, and taking notes. there is a notice board for you to put up a note of what you saw. terribly impressive.
this is an egret but not very good pic of it! actually it looks as if its bent double over the railing! like a floppy doll.
Cormorants! my fav - but used to seeing them on wild west coast
Herons! also my fav, and also more used to seeing them on north west coast.. and not all in a bunch - thats unusual

nice, eh?

Sunday walk on Arthur's Seat

2008-09-18T17:10:00.009+01:00

A Sunday walk with Rosie - last sunday. up Arthur's Seat, a bit, then around the road with the brilliant views, and over to Duddingston village and the Sheep Heid Inn, oldest in Scotland, or even the Uk i cant remember!

Salisbury Crags, and the Radical Road

the top of Arthur's Seat, we didnt climb up. used to bring the cats here in a duffle bag years ago when i was younger, so they could run about.

view of the city looking north-west, the fact that Arthur's Seat is right in the middle of the city, you get city views from all around.

along the road looking south

and Prestonfield Hotel, v posh

the lochan, its a bird reserve

a longer view looking east, or south-east

Duddingston Church

around the other side of Arthur's Seat now, on way down to Duddingston

the path down with Rowan berries

and into Duddingston

to the pub - this is the door

we sat out in the pub's courtyard and had a bar-b-q ostrich burger

then down to the lochan and Canada geese, before going back home. This walk just reminded me how lucky i am after all to live in this city - so many nearby places to go for walks and be away from the city noise.

a dog and golf balls

2008-09-05T18:38:00.002+01:00

just a quick one to add to today WITHOUT pictures.. a news item today about a black labrador dog who was known for being very good at finding golf balls. one day his owner became worried about a rattling about and some lumps in the dog's tummy and took him to the vet. the vet found a golf ball, and another, and another... i think they said nine? altogether. the dog was obviously quite good at eating golf balls as well as just finding them. he now has to wear a muzzle when taken to the golf course.

another strange 'survey' stating what sort of people tend to like what sort of music. as in -
"INDIE: devotees have low self-esteem and are not very hard-working, kind or generous. However, they are creative." (!!)
they do rock n roll, blues, classical, heavy metal, reggae, country &w, dance - but no jazz or folk, rap or grunge (etc). and the only category that comes out with 'kind and generous' is reggae!
Independent today, page 3

Water of Leith walk to SNGOMA

2008-09-05T13:54:00.009+01:00

National Gallery of Modern Art entrance grounds, designed by Charles Jenks.

this was the day i there to see the Tracey Emin exhibition. i had been sitting outside the studios in the little courtyard another artist and i had cleaned up and got plants and made into a nice sitting-in place.

i was feeling a bit fed up. we were talking about courage it takes to put work 'out there', and how without that its barely possible to begin making work.
been out of the habit of making work for so long. poeple say different things; well- either 'you just have to start - make a lot of crap and eventually it comes' - or - 'oh, you never loose it, you'll get it back' - or - 'oh you definately loose it if you leave it long enough' ........

so anyway. this day (whenever it was) this pal just said - 'courage? you want to go and see Tracey Emin exhibition' and walked off. and i went back up to my studio thinking, yes i have been meaning to go and i will go... and i started pottering about - tomorrow - tomorrow. No! Go NOW! oh ok, walk along the Water Of Leith, a lovely walk - (leg a wee bit nippy but i can make it) (rain possible but who cares about a little water) (time enough to get there and spend an hour)..

off i set - can you see the heron?! this walk starts just over the road from the studio.

that's St Bernard's Well, there is a story about it which i cant remember, but they do open it up now and then so you can go inside - its an old 'healing' spring well i think. it is almost impossible to edit this - type in text - keep pics in any relevant order at all so this is all muddled up and useless. am so frustrated i will stop. just to say this was meant to be pics of a walk along the Water of Leith.

there is a weir along the way

and you get to the old Dean Village eventually and have to cross to the next bit of the walk - and here i saw a ginger cat posing in a round window

landing with a thud

2008-09-02T00:20:00.010+01:00

'Pain, in the sense of physical pain, is a typical sensory experience that may be described as the unpleasant awareness of a noxious stimulus or bodily harm. Individuals experience pain by various daily hurts and aches, and occasionally through more serious injuries or illnesses.'
quote from Wikipedia

These are My Headlines for Today:

the festival is finished

i was bowled over by Tracey Emin exhibition

i was exhausted by our amazing gallery exhibition

my tv arial transmitted water into the tv instead of a tv signal, i am now without a tv

and have been housebound with too much pain but am getting better

i missed Dorian Grey and La Clique

but all will be well

i wonder what it would be like to live in a city that didnt have the Edinburgh Festivals going on all through August. it just seems to be such an anual hiatus.. you get overwhelmed with the sheer everything of it so things seem to be a blur. but you only start to realise this when it has stopped and everyone's gone away, and September's slightly fresher air with the scent of the sea wafts in, just that hint of cooler times to come through the sunshine, and the rain washed trees of all the city parks add to the scents on the air. it is the same each year. you can breath again.

so anyway, i seemed to over-do it all a bit and got very emotionally and physically drained, my arthritis got very bad so i had no proper sleep for quite a few nights, which ended up with me hobbling to the gallery on my stick and eventually coming home and staying here. i missed the two events i had planned to see; La Clique at the Spiegeltent, and Mathew Bourne's Picture of Dorian Grey - luckily i found friends who wanted my tickets. and then it was fireworks last night. (was it last night?!) which were apparently brilliant, but all i got were the huge loud bangs - living just down the hill from the castle where they were being set off. usually i just slip down the back close to the street and catch what i can in amongst the street crowds.

i was in too much pain to care about missing everything. i was angry, as usual when i get this bad, that i have to be this person. its so frustrating, so annoying and so demeaning somehow, like i become a half person, a shadow, not really there.
what is particularly difficult is the fact that my right leg goes ape at the same time as my left shoulder-blade and neck. so that finding a way to lie down in bed to sleep with the least pain to my leg and my shoulder is actually impossible! so i get up and hobble round the flat, make a cup of tea, sit about and wonder if i will ever get any sleep again in my life. try to meditate, try to breathe into the pain, sometimes that works; other times i want to shout and yell. thats the thing - it always seems as if this will go on for ever, you cant imagine a time without the pain. and yet, when it all calms down, and you can walk properly and sleep properly again, you forget it and carry on as if you are a girl of 18 again. i have to learn i am no longer 18, 25, 39 or even 51 - my body just isnt as strong and flexible. damn. damn and blast.

eventually, i seemed to find a way to calm down. my homeopath had given me some remedies and i think that helped. but it wasnt until i had been stranded at home for a couple of days that i finally managed to rest on the sofa with a blanket and just close my eyes and feel myself letting go and drifting, and i suddenly realised that i was relaxing in a way that i had not done for a long long time. tonight i peeled a kiwi fruit and carried it through on one of my favourite white and blue plates, and as i did so i noticed how lovely that delicate green, almost a lime green but gentler, on the china white and blue looked, and i thought - goodness, i have slowed down; this is ok.

for now. i have to gear up and get going again soon, but not yet.

the exhibition at the gallery was huge; in size and scope and in audience and press response. the installation took 5 days and a lot of helpers, and de-install took 3 very very long days out of necessity as the next show had to get in and up. it was a lot of work.

but i did have time to go and see Tracey Emin at the national gallery of modern art - and i was bowled over. i had meant to blog about it that night. i also managed to get to a talk by an art historian on Tracey Emin's work - with questions and answers with Trace afterwards which was also very rewarding.

i will blog about that more later i think. its been quite important for me.

images of graves in Greyfriars Kirkyard copyright trude blows

(how do you make that copyright c inside the circle thing, anyone know?)

coming up for air

2008-08-21T23:34:00.002+01:00

a quick breather - a day's break - end of one exhibition start of the next - in a day..
and i am out of there
only for a day.

promised Kate i would start blogging again, and she promised she would to!!!

i WILL honest, just not quite yet - not till i get my brain back in order.

anyway - Hi all, still here. are you?

Festival run-up

2008-07-28T21:14:00.004+01:00

just to say bit distracted and busy - the festival exhibition opens weds and masses still to do - 'the show must go on no matter what!'
etc
so not much time to think about writing anything - just a big thank you to Bella-sis for all the lovely things she put on her blog for my birthday - and yes - she's brilliant; i'm ok!!
:-)

damp macs and brolly days

2008-07-18T10:22:00.003+01:00

it is still rainy and damp. a couple of us cleaned up in front of the studio and gallery. i shovelled loads of cat shit from a corner they had all taken to. and someone else managed to remove the pidgeons from the pipes above, and using the old disused fire hose we hosed the whole area down like mad. it took a few days.
i got the old sink taken out of my studio as part of my clear out and it is now a planter in the newly cleaned front area, along with other pots of plants dotted about.
i do wish my life was as simply cleared up!
one of the local cats, though, is very needy and if she finds you she follows you meowing for you to stop and pet her. a little tabby, she has a collar so its ok she isnt stray, just very sociable. oh, and here you dont say 'pet a cat' or 'stroke a cat(or dog)' - you say 'clap the cat(or dog)'! i like it!

all the works that have not been selected for the Jerwood Drawing Prize in Wimbledon will be returned next week. i notice less people submitting each year. there is such a huge submission from all around the UK and only about 70 or so get selected. also the selections dont seem to be based on a particular kind of drawing - there is quite a wide variety. i think drawing is great, i keep going into the Fruitmarket gallery bookshop to look at a large book which is all drawing - its called Vitamin D or something i think. anyone interested in discovering more about drawing or just loves it should have a look! anyway its far too expensive or i would buy it, so hurray for galleries and libraries. its not the same though is it, as having it there to dip into whenever. i will have to start doing my own work. when i have finished clearing up my studio, and working out how i am going to share it.

an explanation

2008-07-16T11:48:00.004+01:00

i deleted the few blogs i wrote about my friend Kate's son and his operation. i paniced a bit. (how do you spell 'paniced' - it looks wrong). just to explain - a brief email from Kate saying she's making her blog 'private' .. i panic and delete everything. later an email from Kate explaining she had realised not felt ok about having put lots of photos up on her blog of her son and being open to 'anybody' - i.e. any 'weirdos' trawling about ..
Kate says thank you to Bella-sis and all who lit candles for Calum, she thought it was a really sweet gesture. of course having left the hospital she can now go online as she had not been able to before. Calum is getting stronger.
so thanks to everyone for their kind thoughts, and apologies for any misunderstandings.

2008-07-12T00:30:00.007+01:00

on a grey day earlier this week, another walk in the Botanics. these brilliant primula like flowers cheered me.

this amazing tree in the Chinese mountain walk way reminded me of the trees i used to draw years ago with fine pen and ink.. all knotted and whorled and alive.

and these are yellow (yes really) primulas looking up the tiny minature valley they made in the Chinese part of the Botanics, water running down - a little stream, hidden in there..

(dreadful quality phone camera)

it has been grey, cool and a bit rainy all week. well, quite rainy actually. but sometimes, very early in the morning, if i lean out of the window and look down the way - i can see the sea, and smell it too. the wheeling, screeching gulls often remind me how close to the sea we are.

i had gone to see the latest Louise Bourgeois exhibition on at the Botanics before it closed, it was amazing to see some of her latest work in real life, although i didnt find it as powerful as some of her earlier work - but that could have been the mood i was in.

after seeing the work, and coming out into the fresh air - and soft rain - i enjoyed the walk more because of being more sensitised and observant having seen her work.

sculpture for Winifred Rushforth

2008-07-12T00:22:00.005+01:00

this sculpture is set in George Sq gardens in the old university area of town near me, where i love to go and walk and be quiet at times. the sculpture is made in memory of Winifred Rushforth, who, as far as i know began the first counselling and therapy centre in Edinburgh.

kitchen almost done and flowers given

2008-06-21T10:43:00.004+01:00

a wonderful spray of flowers given to me by a friend who was presented with them by her pupils after a performance (she is a dancer); she is going away and wanted me to have them.. so they are sitting in my nearly finished kitchen.

the new lino over clean floorboards!

the back area with carpet off-cut donated by a friend, and flowers.

a very strange coincidence

2008-06-20T00:16:00.007+01:00

today i bought the Evening News for a radical change; (looking for 2nd hand cupboard)(the paper has local for sale ads). and in this evening news was an article on the very person whose texts i posted on my blog yesterday(or was it the day before) - the artist with his cloud. click this link for the article on his next adventure.

Monday again and a rescued cloud

2008-06-17T09:55:00.007+01:00

and on with the kitchen floor again. i have collected enough newspapers now, and with a few cardboard boxes chopped up i managed to cover the floor boards and even out a bit. then dragged 3 large 2nd year college paintings on boards over the top (painting face down), and got the piece of lino i saved to put on.

lino still stinks. after all that scrubbing. and its too small and cracked. so i made a cup of tea to have a think. would i get some canvas and try to make it like old fashioned 'lino'? hmm probably not. take ages. and forgotten how you do it. faffed about a bit then got fed up and decided to go out and do something useful. what? no idea. just get out.

i headed for a too expensive 'flooring' shop - at least it would be doing something. almost there when i bump into a pal who ... well the upshot is she took me off in her car to a cheap lino place and i found a huge brand new piece really cheaply!!

i hope one day soon i can revert back to having a bit of brain that is not confined to deliberating upon kitchen problems.

i might try to find an interesting image to put, to make up for it.

i found these two; these are texts received from a pal who had just taken his exhibition down in the gallery i work in, and he had - as he says - left his cloud hanging up in the corner.....

i thought it was rather poignant so i kept the texts...

i still have his cloud kept safe for him

Happy Birthday Bella!

2008-06-15T11:44:00.005+01:00

a spiral of leaves

velvet to touch

wish i could upload a tune for you

if i could it would be 'witches hat' or 'a very cellular song'

by The Incredible String Band :-)

happy birthday hon! xxx

kitchen changes

2008-06-12T09:50:00.007+01:00

empty kitchen with old lino revealed

after plastering done, lino was trashed.

patchwork of lino and board - layers of lino and board - pulled up. too horrid to use a flash!

next - to clean up and find something to cover the floorboards with

Meadows Festival sunday

2008-06-10T08:57:00.014+01:00

i went for a break from kitchen nightmare!

the long standing tradition of the Meadows Festival was broken 2 years ago when it was cancelled for the first time. so i was not expecting it to happen again. but this year it was back.

pic of a Dalmation being Petted - proceeds to Iraqi charities

music tent

traditionally it took place on the first weekend of June; this was on the 2nd weekend;
where traditionally you meet people you havent seen for ages and this year was no exception.

tea break and lino layers

2008-06-08T12:26:00.006+01:00

just having a break from cleaning kitchen. sun's shining now.

please imagine lino for yourself. i am not going to put up a pic of lino here.

the trouble with ripping up the lino is the discovery of several more layers underneath. obviously, even older.

plus who ever laid these layers - the Victorians probably - had not yet discovered 'wall to wall' anything.

except floor boards luckily.

so what we have here is a large square - the middle of the room - of layered, broken at the edges, old lino which i keep tripping up on which rips bits off.

and so on - i am sure you get the idea.

what i also have now are floorboards, some of which are clearly a bit rotten, and some holes where the floor board seems to have disintegrated, and someone has covered it over with card - yes - card. so yet another good trip to look forward to.

the back area of the room was/is lino-tiled, and of course the original flood (the start of all this) has meant lots of them have come unstuck and curled up at the edges, so i have ripped them out. this seems to have left oblongs of board nailed to the floor. hmmm. i wonder if they are covering up more holes. do i want to know?

conundrum. i need to try to even up the floor somehow if i am going to lay anything on it, and to avoid ghastly tripping-up accidents.

do i find stuff to put down to fit in, making it more even, or do i just rip everything up and hope for the best? dread to think what i might find.

each improvement i do to the flat goes to putting up my rent and putting up the value of the landlord's property.

:-)

ho-hum. another cup of tea.

in the botanics the other day

2008-06-08T10:41:00.015+01:00

pics from the hothouse in botanics

two 'old' friends had got in touch to be met up with; one living up north; we had lunch at the place her son is head chef - mmm - with a 3rd one of us.

meanwhile the next old friend to meet - come from abroad to visit. we met at botanics, had lunch and a walk. so lovely to see her, we were close in the '70s/80s, before she went to live abroad.

a funny time with a few people from 'those' days been popping up again!

its nice - finding them again, and god! look at us all! so much older, so much happened, and yet here we all are.

that is a strange thing about getting older - you get used to (eventually) their children growing up and having partners and children, (in my case my siblings), and then - suddenly - you realise you dont actually look like the person you think you look like in your head; you start looking at younger people and think - god what happened?!

next, you start to take on what you have done in your life and what you didnt do and realise you need to work out if and how you can do whatever it is, and you also realise - as most of your current 'pals' or contemporaries are so much younger than you - that you can no longer 'keep up' quite in the same way energy-wise; and they dont believe you, they think you are shirking; and you think 'just you wait'... (although i wouldnt really wish age on people, it is rather inevitable).

what else? the sun has been shining all week - it is sunday and the sun has just stopped - the clouds are out and thats a shame.

early mornings, dust, miscommunications, still squished into one room, work still not finished.. but hopefully will be next week.

i no longer have a window box; the builders had to bring the long bits of wood up through the window! so i had to take it out. i am still camping out in one room. i have started to clean up the kitchen, a long process i think although i have just got use of fridge and cooker again, and i have ripped all the lino up into small bits into bin bags - as it was totally ruined.

anyway, it could be like a new room in a way by the time i finish, just might take a bit of time to get it together. i saw an old carpet in the Bethany shop the other day - didnt get it tho it was big and affordable - but it means it would be possible to get something.

still getting letters and phone calls from elderly people - friends of my uncle. it is a shame but i am starting to think that there will not be many of them at all at the thanksgiving service; they are all too elderly apparently. still, i will let them know when it is when i know as they would like to know.

kitchen ceiling

2008-06-02T23:11:00.012+01:00

ceiling down!! (left) black dust everywhere, including in the bath, in my hair, up my nose and i cant ever feel clean. if i knew it would take this long i would have left out some clean clothes in a box, but i have taped up all the wardrobe and cant undo till its finished.

before ceiling down - kitchen just emptied(below)

kitchen empty..

kitchen ready for the builders to take down the ceiling before it falls down, and camping out squished into the front room..

and i covered over the appliances, taped things up and builders arrived.. i locked myself in the front room and next time i came out they'd done.. ceiling down.. then they left. a coule of days later joiners came at 7.15am to start putting up new ceiling. then they left and it was the weekend. so this morning plasterers came and the ceiling is plastered - and - as i said already so is everything else it seems, including the lino on the floor.

so - as the photos seem to load up all in various wrong orders, i wont upload another one, the one that shows 'after' - i.e. a ghastly mess! apparently they are going to paint it in 2 days time, (the kitchen i mean, not the lino)(have i got a one track mind?) when they will also hoover up but i have to leave it till then - so another 2 days of camping out; no cooker, washing machine or fridge.. then it will be a week and a half! so - lets hope its worth it. as i said to the contractor - i know the lino looks old and shabby, but its the only lino i've got!

see this - you have to upload the last images first and the first ones last.

that means to get it right i have to start all over again.

forget it.

a couple of images to come home with

2008-06-02T22:56:00.011+01:00

The last image of the funeral; Bella-sis at Uncle's grave, looking at all the flowers and cards. .

just before we drove off and flew in our different directions.

see this? just before i clicked they both stood up, and that one started walking away. they were both just sitting waiting - for their prescription perhaps? taken in town where Brother and family live!

so a couple of last images before getting on with
the here and now of home..

from my journal - In Memory of Our Uncle

2008-05-30T07:27:00.011+01:00

a small spot of England to which we have a proper connection.

22nd may 2008

While it is fresh, I am sitting in airport lounge, a sort of special ‘free’ one for those who pay lots. Which I did.
The day started at 4.15am, we (bruv, sis in law, me) were all three fairly silent and sleepy. A long way to go.

Think I will stop now knowing how long it takes to power down ..
Quite a day tho.
More later.

27th May 2008
At home; builders are taking down my kitchen ceiling, so I am camping out in my front room. With a pal’s help on Sunday the kitchen is totally clear of anything, and I have a mountain of stuff to go to the dump and another to go to charity shops.

I also have some of my uncle’s photos, diaries, jottings; things to type up that he wrote. And I have a few letters to write telling people abroad about his death. I have had a few replies from people, which have been moving.

(since writing this i have had more and more letters and emails, and feel rather privileged).

Bruv, sis in law and I set off from their house soon after 5 in the morning. Bruv drove, and I suppose about an hour into the journey I suddenly lost my fear of driving (being driven) in England.. irrational, I know, but I do seem to suffer from it. the roads are just mobbed down there, and we saw two near misses on the way.

We arrived and found the church more by vague recollection and one or two signposts than by knowledge. It was as I remembered; lovely old church, on a bit of a hill with views over the Downs, and a slightly overgrown graveyard – peaceful and like an oasis. It was somehow comforting to be back here where we buried both granny and grandpa, and I felt we actually had a link to the land somewhere, which I had not quite taken on board before, and it was very comforting.

All four of us (plus spouses) were there early, about 9.30 I think, as other bruv had insisted he, sis and spouse got there early. I cant remember the last time we four were together, and it was rather a special gift Uncle had inadvertently given us; bringing us together and also in this particular place with its childhood memories and small plot of land marked by our grandparents, and soon to be marked by himself.

There was a bit of banter between the brothers – cars and so on. We had a look inside the church and wondered how many people could be got into it, and then we all piled into cars to a ‘coffee caravan’ in a lay-by they had seen for a coffee. We went on a small detour to Elizabethan Cottage to see how it had changed; it was still thatched, couldn't see grandpa's potting shed tho, and the old pond was gone - all gravelled over; a new cottage had appeared; there had been additions to the actual house. That’s all we could see really. Enough.

We headed back to the church after standing around chatting with much needed coffees. Eventually the hearse came along. It was sobering to see the coffin, and it almost made up for not having seen my uncle, but not quite, though it had to do. We all waited outside. The vicar was getting ready I think. One cousin and spouse had already arrived, he was walking their dog, she was tearful. Another cousin and spouse arrived. Very old pals of Uncle's in Uganda arrived. I think they all went off to look at the graveyard, and then went into church, after talking a bit to sis. An elderly couple walked up; I had written to the woman’s father but he had died, so they had seen the notice in the Telegraph and came along.

It was time to take Uncle into church. The Rev Canon and us 6 followed his coffin up the path and into the church. N, J, C and I sat together, M and S had to get into another pew. The service was very simple, very traditional and – I found – very moving, very stilling, and I could almost feel that Uncle was there with us. There was obviously a bird’s nest in the rafters and the cheep-cheeping from it kept us all company and felt very fitting. The wonderful still quiet of the old country church that seems to fill every corner; I felt I was enclosed in it, wrapped in it, safe, and nothing could have felt more ‘right’ for Uncle.

I managed not to sob and make an exhibition of myself by holding my breath a lot and digging my nails in to my palms.

It was time to take him out to his grave. We all followed him out into the sunlight along the path in the long grass to his spot. And it was all well done and so moving and so final.

We all in turn spoke to the vicar and thanked him and the funeral director. I was last, and it was nice to have a quiet word, and he apologised for not ‘blessing’ me as well in church; I think he probably thought sis and I were the same person, but it really did not matter, tho really sweet of him to say.

So then we siblings, cousins, spouses and old friends stood about for a while talking before heading off to a pub which had been decided on. one bruv and I went in his car with two sets of cousins and the old friends following in theirs. Of course we got lost and went the wrong way and there was no mobile signal at all to phone anyone! Anyway, one of the old pals rescued us – she knew where the pub was. We had a drink and lunch, and I sat mostly with M and S and J and cousin; who we got to know a bit better which was nice. M managed to stay far longer than I would have thought, and seemed to be talking quite a bit to people, and it was just generally a really nice atmosphere – just us few. Bruv and sis in law offered to do the catering for Uncle’s thanksgiving which is fantastic, and it seems we can have it in the church and use the church hall afterwards.

Eventually everyone had to go off on their various ways, with lots of email address exchanges and promises of being in touch and future visits.. it was eventually just sis and spouse and me left. We went off to a nearby garden centre to find some flowers for Granny, and I found some small pots of what i thought was Speedwell, thinking i recognised them because Granny taught me wildflowers when I was small. It was Speedwell, as it turned out, luckily! We drove back to church and we put the pots into the large pot on Granny’s grave, and had another look at Uncle’s which had now been covered over, with all his flowers on top.

So we left for Salisbury airport where they dropped me off for my flight home, on their way to Heathrow for their flight home to the US.

It was a good parting; it had been a very hard time, but in the end – that day – we four had been together and a few misunderstandings had been healed. We four parted knowing that we would be in touch and see each other again, and perhaps for some of us, knowing each other a little better.

still here

2008-05-20T21:03:00.008+01:00

but things change every minute. and instead of being back home, i am still here at brother's. and instead of
funeral being in june, it will be on thrusday. with a thanksgiving in october. it has been a very mamouth task
and stressful for sis because of the amount for her to do which she has to as executor. and i cant be there to
help without spending money i havent got getting there, travel is so expensive in the south.

but here i cant help but put in a few of the strange synchronisities there were.. if i can remember them all -
hopefully sis will correct and add to them..

i booked to come south in january, booked 7th may because it was before some proof reading for festival that
was to be done round about 17th. i booked long enough to visit bro AND uncle, and found sis had also booked
to come back to uk for visit then.

later on sis discovered she couldnt come back then after all. an aunt near uncle i was to visit was going to be
away till later in my visit, so i put off visiting uncle to later in my stay.

but i got here on 7th and was saying to bro on 8th 'must phone uncle tonight'. none of us knew he was in hosp.
but 8th was when he died.

so sis came over when first planned to. the proof reading dates were changed to 9th, 10th, so had to do it
online here anyway. and i missed my uncle.

there were other strange synchronisities but i cant remember them. hope sis can. it was odd.

a few days in worthing

2008-05-15T20:32:00.006+01:00

taken on my mobile - bonfires on the beach (looking down from the road)

Brighton beach at night

It has been a sad, sometimes very difficult, sometimes warm and loving - few days. bewildering standing in uncle's flat wondering where to begin, thoughts about what it all amounts to when you are gone; wishing i had got down earlier; wishing i had managed to come down to record him talking about his life, as he didnt think he could write about it when i asked..

attempting to sort out paperwork in his flat with sisiter and brother in law, because i want to find stuff to be able to write up about his life a bit. and also sister's children need photos to make a collage.. and so on, which i will scan and email.. found lots of notebooks, some of historical notes, especially about the anglo saxons. also quite a lot on Nathanial Parker Forth (Scarlet Pimpernel) our anscestor he was researching. Sister also knows a lot about that. and there are some notes/diaries from Africa days. i am going to type up a couple of things about the Idi Amin era he wrote about to have at the funeral.

we will not be having the funeral until sometime in June. it feels better to wait and do it properly, but it is also because the doctor has ordered a post mortem. he was away when uncle was in hospital, but he is not happy with how he died.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i am back at brother's (and wife, family) now. sis and her husband and i drove back last night and we all sat around after an amazing lasagne (a la brother) and downed a couple of bottles of wine (mostly by me my brother says). my sis says she has never seen me drunk before! and i went and phoned other brother at 12.30 at night which wasnt exactly a good idea. sis back down to worthing to do more of her executor jobs (my wee sis being an executor - doing very well) with bro-in-law, then they fly back to the USA on sat. back to the children who are missing them a lot. they will all four be back for the funeral though. it was a horrible thing to happen, but one cant do death to order unfortunately. but its been brilliant spending a bit of time with my sis. and with bro and his wife mi sis-in-law. so. there it is.

in norfolk - and some sad news

2008-05-10T10:10:00.011+01:00

a Barbara Hepworth in Norwich

duck family

the pond, or Mere with electric fountain

the long awaited time off arrived and i travelled down to brother's, from where i would travel further to uncle's and an aunt's possibly.

fully intended to start blogging again once i started my break. somehow did not start immediately - i think i was just winding down, and then bad news; our uncle who i was about to visit died suddenly.

sister and her husband are now landing in Heathrow from the USA, and in one week we are going to have to arrange a funeral and sort out his flat and notify as many of his friends and Ugandan friends as possible. i have already found one friend on the net by googling the school my uncle used to teach in in Uganda, and sending off an email to him - hoping - and yes, he knew my uncle well, and is passing on my message.

my uncle had a very interesting life, i always tried to persuade him to write it down but he never quite believed he had anything worth writing - but he was pleased that i thought so. i was hoping one day to sit with a recording implement and just record him talking. but we live so far apart.

He taught in Uganda for years, including all through the Idi Amin years. He was a gentle man of the 'old' kind - a person from the past, and i never really felt he was quite at home once he came back to live in England. he was a socialist. my mother often had to go and find him after their father had thrown him out of the house for being a communist when they were all younger. Our mother was always the strong one, the 'sorter-outer' and i think he missed her terribly when she died.

this uncle is my Godfather; he gave me all my ballet lessons at school. he probably has no idea how life saving those ballet lessons were to me. it is too difficult to explain how life saving dance used to be for me, for years.

i hope that soon we may learn more about my uncle's life and doings in Uganda from people we can contact who knew him there. but i do know that he often helped people escape.

on a very mundane note, the weather has gone from depressingly chilly to hot. all in one day. it begun last weekend i think, but because i didnt fully believe in the change to hot, i have not really brought enough cool clothes to wear. i can see i shall have to do a charity shop raid at some point, if it keeps on being hot.

advice to self

2008-04-17T09:35:00.004+01:00

T...'s Chinese Zodiac Sign - The Earth Ox - for today
This astral climate is very likely to be frustrating in the field of work; only take a minimum of engagements or appointments. Risk of past emotional pains awakening up, which you thought had healed; refuse tormenting yourself with the past, look at the future with confidence and optimism. Put your papers in correct order. At this moment, your organism will need to be protected; don't pull on the cord too much, avoid any excessive effort; if you practice a sport, don't try to go too far.

i added the chinese zodiac thing to my facebook page ages ago just for fun. but today's one seems strangely apt. so am putting it in as a blog as i still dont seem to be able to get back into blogging yet. it seems to have some good advice which i am now going to try and put into practice.

(oh and an extra bit:
Combined Zodiac(East meets West)
The Leonine Ox
This combination produces leaders who feel the need to be in control. They also take themselves seriously and throw themselves into any project they under take. They are happiest with an adoring partner who will love them completely.) - so i'm a controlling, grumpy, boring old bat -no wonder no partner to love me! ha ha.

another year

2008-04-09T09:08:00.000+01:00

happy birthday Tim!

sea horses in thames

2008-04-07T10:10:00.003+01:00

yesterday, radio 4, an item about sea horses being found in the thames. they are protected so you cant have them as pets. (they said!)(ahh :-))

just checking

2008-03-27T10:45:00.003Z

oh here i am already checking sister's blog to see if she has blogged! far too soon of course, give her a chance.. i wonder how she got on with her 3 1/2 hour interrogation at the airport after landing, with the authorities. gruelling it sounds, but lets hope it wasnt as bad as it sounded.
and the animals, how will they be.
and stuff.
yep.
funny ol' time.

landing - i think

2008-03-26T21:40:00.001Z

anyway so it is an hour and 40 minutes after 8pm our time - and the family will have - were supposed to have - landed in new york at 8pm our time.

just to say that.

welcome to there sister and family!
blog soon. xxx

a journey and a farewell .. this is not goodbye - but until next time..

2008-03-26T11:00:00.006Z

The Bass Rock, earlier - before the black sky!

this is the Bass Rock at North Berwick, where Rosie a pal and i went for the day the other weekend. it was incredibly cold and dramatic light, and because of all the guam on the Rock, in that sun light shining in a black sky, the Rock looks white!!

my sister and her family take off at 12 noon today to New York, where they will from now on be living. so i am quite teary and emotional. i know that we are only a text or an email away - and its silly to be so emotional - and i also know that they are doing a big adventure and i am happy about that, and i know i will 'get better' again!!

anyway, i just wanted to blog today to mark it. and thought i would put dramatic pictures of the Bass Rock up as well.

the way is long and winding

2008-03-23T23:39:00.003Z

these are pics from my phone of a small park on my way to work.
it was a sunny day just the other day, good for pics.
SO....

the longer i leave it, the harder it is to write anything. at least i think thats what it is. i dont know - i just havent blogged for a while and am not entirely sure why.

but today is easter day. a good pal of mine flew off to south korea today to visit her eldest son. she has never flown long haul before and has never been outside europe before. so i am quite excited for her. so this morning i texted her to say go well, you know, and that. she texted back to say the flight was delayed until 3.30 (from 11.30). which meant she would miss her connecting flight from dubai to sk, so the airline are paying for her to stay in a hotel for a night and a day in dubai - 30 degrees by the pool! way to go girl.

have been emailing sister today too, they leave their house tomorrow and fly on wednesday. its all people going off again today. i did have a bit of a blub, partly because i suddenly wished it was me flying to bangkok to see my family(no, they arent there; its in the past!) and partly because my sis is making a big step to another country and its all a bit emotional. and now my nephew and niece will grow up in another land. i guess i did too really, but then, we always kept coming back on leave and i was expected to think of england as home. anyway - its a big adventure for them and a big opportunity for them all which our mum and dad would approve of! they'd say, 'well done darling' and be excited about it for them too.

i think i have been a bit sorry for myself about them going, and today i have realised i just have to stop it. and so it is easier to see the bright side. which of course was always there - i just didnt seem to concentrate on it.

i think i would like to get some roller skates.

i think i will look for a picture to put in now. (they are up at the top). ooh reminds me - sister has a photo blog, very smart too. is word press better than blogger? i must check it out.

yesterday was International Women's Day

2008-03-09T10:27:00.003Z

(title is a link by the way)

which did not seem to have been celebrated here. that really surprises me, its the first year i have not seen anything going on here - unless i just totally missed it. one year, some years ago, i did the admin for an IWD week of events and rallies and entertainments. it was loads of work and funding, and a whole lot of local women's groups got involved, artists, politicians and just masses of women.

it is sunny today, was yesterday too, but we are expecting massive storms again apparently. it isnt quite the equinox is it, that's around 21st.. when the moon crosses the ecliptic (isnt it?) and the tides get incredibly high and incredibly low and storms are fairly usual. i have often been on Iona round about these times of year (march and sept). one september i was staying in my pal's tin house when that huge storm blew up. we knew it was coming; earlier in the evening i had gone round to the hotel where a few of us sat and watched American football! the owner loves it and was trying to teach me the rules with a nip of whisky each. later back at the tin house i remember lying in bed wondering when it would start and then suddenly BANG - literally - and then it began; the wind just howling against the tin shaking the walls and i really did think i might end up in the sound swilling about in the massive seas. anyway, i got up, no point trying to sleep, but of course the electricity had gone. there were candles and calor gas cooker so i could have a cuppa tea as i sat with loads of jumpers on wondering if i should try going outside just to see.. thought i better not though. it was of course dark in the middle of the night so i couldnt see much. i think it went on well into the next day as well, if i remember. the aftermath; the sea had been right up onto the road, people's gardens, rocks and seaweed strewn about, someone's car almost floated away but not quite and no one was hurt. people who had tried going outside in it hadnt been able to stand up!

i hope everyone is ok through this coming one.

Rainer Maria Rilke and window boxes

2008-03-07T22:22:00.004Z

so now i think i will just share a couple of pics of my window box - my lowly substitute for a garden.

i have to write again, because a funny thing happened - i get an email once a week from an organization involved in the 'third sector' - or the social enterprise sector. anyway, the person who writes it is a brilliant writer, and always puts some of this own thoughts in as well as some quotes he likes. today's one contained something i used to have written up for myself in the '80s - before my dad died. its just that after he died i went and burnt loads of journals and writings and stuff - this amongst them - but i loved this - so here it is:

“That is at the bottom the only courage that is demanded of us; to have courage for the most strange, the most singular and the most inexplicable that we may encounter. That mankind has in this sense been cowardly has done life endless harm; the experiences that are called visions, the whole so-called spirit-world, death, all those things that are so closely akin to us, have by daily parrying been so crowded out by life that the senses with which we could have grasped them are atrophied.” - Rainer Maria Rilke

there. gosh i havent read that for years. forgot all about it even. and there it is popping up into my life again randomly!

i couldnt find a way to believe in anything at all after my father died. not sure i do now really, but it has been nice to find this quote.

i am passing the tag to write 6 random things about herself to

da da daa daa daaaaaaa

Kate and Calum's (and Robbie's) Big Agentine Adventure

! if she would like to do it.

tagged - 6 things (random)

2008-03-06T22:22:00.004Z

been tagged by Bellamocha, so have to write 6 random things about myself.
hmm
(is that one?)
(naaah..)

1. i talk to things. especially when they stop working properly. i do it in the hope that they will be cheered by the fact that someone is bothering to talk to them and start working again.

2. many years ago i had a friend who had a lot of mice coming into her flat. she wrote them a wee note and pinned it to the skirting near the hole asking them if they would mind not coming back and wishing them all the best for the future. she said it worked. once i kept getting a mouse. i just made sure i left an oatcake out for it, but nothing else. that way it just ate a bit and went away again now and then. i decided to call it 'Daisy'. after a while it stopped coming.

3. when i was very small in Portugal i discovered two packets of mothballs in my mother's bedroom. when my mother started smelling a strong mothbally smell and realised that i was being very quiet she discovered me having eaten one pack and about to begin the next one. she took me downstairs and made me a large glass of salt water, which i drank and then asked for another one. but i was'nt sick.

4. i used to live with a friend in a tiny wee house in a tiny wee street full of tiny wee houses each for 50p a week in this same city. the only phone was the phone box at the end of the street which whoever was about would answer and go and get whoever it was for if it wasnt for them. it never entered anyone's head to have a tv and personal home computers hadnt been invented yet. we had music though. lots of music. thats when i met my husband. i told him Vanessa Redgrave used to live in the street and he believed me!!

5. i was at the first Glastonbury in 1971. 4 of us travelled down in an old car which kept breaking down, and it took us 2 days to get there. David Bowie sat cross legged on the stage very early one morning singing with his guitar. he hadnt really become famous yet. we were a bit bemused by meeting some 'town' people who had come 'to look at the fashions' - we were completely 'anti-fashion' so it was quite confusing. little did we know.

6. i never learned to drive. when i had a husband, we moved to the country and he started to teach me and i loved it, but then we had to get rid of the car as it broke down and we couldnt afford another one. sometimes i wish i could drive and just take off into the highlands, but most of the time i feel fine that i dont need to depend on one and can get anywhere i want without one. i love travelling by bus train and ferry into the highlands and islands. the long journey is all part of the process of getting there; and you never know who you might meet and what unexpected adventure you might have.

well, that took a bit of time, but it was interesting to see what popped into my head.
thanks Bella Mocha!