1st February today. this year has started off with a lot of crossed wires and shouting matches. not involving me, but in the place i work. people keep getting their dates muddled up and causing mayhem. must be something in the water.
a bad january, thats all i can say. and its not just work. its the landlord. its family too. all things causing me anxiety and i find i hop from one anxoius subject to another as they in turn raise their profile. and while focusing on one and trying to work out how to cope with it, or resolve it even, the others fade into the back of my mind quietly gathering out of control momentum ready to pop back up again in another anxious-making stage.
for ages now i have imagined that if i just get things sorted out i will then be able to live life on more of an even keel - get on with my own work even. but alas, the more time goes on the more i am driven to the conclusion that this is a vain hope.
i then revert to the idea that i should just give up and pull back and just let whatever be - be. but that idea does not hold sway for long - imagining sitting about wondering what the point of it all is is more than i can handle, so its a deep breath and another step and on i go again.
i think my world is getting a bit small though. i am aware of that, and know i need to do something radical about it. although, i am also aware that it is fairly likely that the way i was brought up may have something to do with this feeling; you know, a periodic feeling of panic and having to radically change everything; or maybe everyone gets this, they just dont show it!
anyway back to the growing up bit - and that was the experience of living in a country for a few years and being suddenly packed up and moved on to another one - leaving all i loved and held dear behind for ever, and once again becoming a stranger, an outsider, till that new place and people became my loved environment - and then again off. a constant sound in my mind 'leaving' - 'they're leaving' - 'we're leaving' ..
as i was saying - how much do we repeat a childhood pattern, or how much credence should we give our urges (only the harmless ones) as being leftovers from childhood or relevant to our own 'nows'?
in which case, maybe the letting go of everything and letting it all 'be' might be THE thing to do for me now - just go against that inbuilt habit.
hmm .. i dont suppose i will do either extreme, i will just do the deep breath and step thing. the hope thing. maybe i can make things work out, make them better. i cant really give up. but i am learning things - like that i cant please everybody, that people will get cross with me, they will misunderstand me and that i can make mistakes and survive - take it all on the chin - as these things are things i cant do anything about. as long as i know the truth of me; so what about what other people make of it.
a bad january, thats all i can say. and its not just work. its the landlord. its family too. all things causing me anxiety and i find i hop from one anxoius subject to another as they in turn raise their profile. and while focusing on one and trying to work out how to cope with it, or resolve it even, the others fade into the back of my mind quietly gathering out of control momentum ready to pop back up again in another anxious-making stage.
for ages now i have imagined that if i just get things sorted out i will then be able to live life on more of an even keel - get on with my own work even. but alas, the more time goes on the more i am driven to the conclusion that this is a vain hope.
i then revert to the idea that i should just give up and pull back and just let whatever be - be. but that idea does not hold sway for long - imagining sitting about wondering what the point of it all is is more than i can handle, so its a deep breath and another step and on i go again.
i think my world is getting a bit small though. i am aware of that, and know i need to do something radical about it. although, i am also aware that it is fairly likely that the way i was brought up may have something to do with this feeling; you know, a periodic feeling of panic and having to radically change everything; or maybe everyone gets this, they just dont show it!
anyway back to the growing up bit - and that was the experience of living in a country for a few years and being suddenly packed up and moved on to another one - leaving all i loved and held dear behind for ever, and once again becoming a stranger, an outsider, till that new place and people became my loved environment - and then again off. a constant sound in my mind 'leaving' - 'they're leaving' - 'we're leaving' ..
as i was saying - how much do we repeat a childhood pattern, or how much credence should we give our urges (only the harmless ones) as being leftovers from childhood or relevant to our own 'nows'?
in which case, maybe the letting go of everything and letting it all 'be' might be THE thing to do for me now - just go against that inbuilt habit.
hmm .. i dont suppose i will do either extreme, i will just do the deep breath and step thing. the hope thing. maybe i can make things work out, make them better. i cant really give up. but i am learning things - like that i cant please everybody, that people will get cross with me, they will misunderstand me and that i can make mistakes and survive - take it all on the chin - as these things are things i cant do anything about. as long as i know the truth of me; so what about what other people make of it.
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