how odd it is that when pain goes away, and stays away for some time, it is so easily forgotten. i am talking from experience - now in pain, having not been for quite some time. i forget how damn debilitating it is, and how tiring, and how scary life seems because there is so much to get done, and then i start to think of the normal things i take for granted which also need to be done as usual, and i despair a bit. but then it is the middle of the night, and things are always worse then. i am up writing now having given up completely any idea of being able to lie in bed to sleep. i have to pace about the flat a lot of the time as it is too sore to lie down, or sit down even. i am sitting now but will probably have to get up again soon.
i thought i would turn on the laptop and check emails (none arrive in the middle of the night), so then i checked bank account (much the same as before), and now i am checking blogs - no one has written anything new so i decided to ramble on by way of distracting myself.
it was a friend's birthday today, i managed to get myself up there using my stick and a bus. i thought i cant not go, thats so mean and weedy. some of the bus seats are just the wrong height and catch me in the back of the leg to make it really sore, other seats are not so bad. but it was better than walking. anyway, glad i went, of course, it was nice to see people. i didnt stay long, but it was fine.
actually all i want to do is sleep, but unless i can learn to do it standing up, i dont think i shall be able to! well, of course what happens is that you dont sleep all night, you pace, you swear, you try to lie down, sit down, cant, get up again, and say out loud how am i supposed to DO this? (no answer of course) because you cant believe it. but then by morning you are so worn out that (hopefully) sleep takes over.. at least thats what has happened before.. but then you just miss out on whole days.
oh and the floor boards squeak and groan and so you hobble about trying to miss the worse places convinced that in the quiet of the night the poor old downstairs neighbour will be disturbed, and you hobble into the kitchen to make a cup of tea and worry that the noise will disturb the upstairs neighbours whose bedroom is above.
sometimes you just dont worry about it at all - everything is just too bad.
i cant seem to do any work in the studio when like this, just cant free my mind up, or settle, the pain just seems to take over. sometimes i try lie-ing in bed, light out, hot water bottle cosied up, and try to sink into the pain as if i can sort of get relaxed into it, hoping it will ease.. but no matter how i try it doesnt really seem to work. not when it is this acute anyway.
well time for another pace about. (it's mi arthritis, by the way, not a new injury!). :-)
i thought i would turn on the laptop and check emails (none arrive in the middle of the night), so then i checked bank account (much the same as before), and now i am checking blogs - no one has written anything new so i decided to ramble on by way of distracting myself.
it was a friend's birthday today, i managed to get myself up there using my stick and a bus. i thought i cant not go, thats so mean and weedy. some of the bus seats are just the wrong height and catch me in the back of the leg to make it really sore, other seats are not so bad. but it was better than walking. anyway, glad i went, of course, it was nice to see people. i didnt stay long, but it was fine.
actually all i want to do is sleep, but unless i can learn to do it standing up, i dont think i shall be able to! well, of course what happens is that you dont sleep all night, you pace, you swear, you try to lie down, sit down, cant, get up again, and say out loud how am i supposed to DO this? (no answer of course) because you cant believe it. but then by morning you are so worn out that (hopefully) sleep takes over.. at least thats what has happened before.. but then you just miss out on whole days.
oh and the floor boards squeak and groan and so you hobble about trying to miss the worse places convinced that in the quiet of the night the poor old downstairs neighbour will be disturbed, and you hobble into the kitchen to make a cup of tea and worry that the noise will disturb the upstairs neighbours whose bedroom is above.
sometimes you just dont worry about it at all - everything is just too bad.
i cant seem to do any work in the studio when like this, just cant free my mind up, or settle, the pain just seems to take over. sometimes i try lie-ing in bed, light out, hot water bottle cosied up, and try to sink into the pain as if i can sort of get relaxed into it, hoping it will ease.. but no matter how i try it doesnt really seem to work. not when it is this acute anyway.
well time for another pace about. (it's mi arthritis, by the way, not a new injury!). :-)
Comments
I'm so sorry honey. I wish that I could be there to pace with you.
amvbflae bella
xxoo