it must be time to write here again. i have had such a long break from it. from July to November. Leaves turning late and slowly. Bulbs peeking up, confused by the mild weather.
i have taken a big step - for me - and started counselling. it is some years since i had counselling, and it does seem quite different. last time it very much felt like being supported, like having someone 'on my side', this time although it is not hostile, it feels more in-depth, perhaps more honest somehow, breaking through my defences - showing me in what way and how i am blocked - and why. it is sometimes quite frightening. i sometimes do not feel i can survive it. when that happens i have to go off and think about whether i can carry on. so far i have decided i can carry on, knowing i could stop at any time.
one of my fears is that i might be too old now, it might all be too late. i might be so set in my ways, so long living in the mists i have created that to come out and see through might be more than i can manage, and i will creep guiltily back into those mists in hopeless acceptance of my non-ness..
i feel ok writing this because i know no-one reads it - except perhaps my friend rivertrain, and i know she can handle reading this stuff.
writing on here is a way of communicating, like hanging a painting in a gallery - you dont know if anyone will see it, or if anyone will relate to it if they do - but you are 'saying' something that you want to communicate anyway. you put it out there. like publishing a book - as Rivertrain has just done! see - Book Launch
that is all for now. i might write more soon.
Comments
I do read your posts!
Best wishes,
Rubyxx