Sunday, 27 November 2011

when i am scared

 i keep humming ...

'I Whistle a Happy Tune'
 from The King and I

[ANNA]

Whenever I feel afraid
I hold my head erect
And whistle a happy tune
So no one will suspect
I'm afraid.

While shivering in my shoes
I strike a careless pose
And whistle a happy tune
And no one ever knows
I'm afraid.

The result of this deception
Is very strange to tell
For when I fool the people
I fear I fool myself as well!

I whistle a happy tune
And ev'ry single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I'm not afraid.

Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are

You may be as brave
As you make believe you are

[LOUIS]

While shivering in my shoes
I strike a careless pose
And whistle a happy tune
And no one ever knows,
I'm afraid.

[LOUIS AND ANNA]

The result of this deception
Is very strange to tell
For when I fool the people
I fear I fool myself as well!

I whistle a happy tune
And ev'ry single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I'm not afraid.

Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are....

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

November 2011


it must be time to write here again. i have had such a long break from it. from July to November. Leaves turning late and slowly. Bulbs peeking up, confused by the mild weather.


i have taken a big step - for me - and started counselling.  it is some years since i had counselling, and it does seem quite different.  last time it very much felt like being supported, like having someone 'on my side', this time although it is not hostile, it feels more in-depth, perhaps more honest somehow, breaking through my defences - showing me in what way and how i am blocked - and why. it is sometimes quite frightening. i sometimes do not feel i can survive it. when that happens i have to go off and think about whether i can carry on. so far i have decided i can carry on, knowing i could stop at any time.

one of my fears is that i might be too old now, it might all be too late. i might be so set in my ways, so long living in the mists i have created that to come out and see through might be more than i can manage, and i will creep guiltily back into those mists in hopeless acceptance of my non-ness..


i feel ok writing this because i know no-one reads it - except perhaps my friend rivertrain, and i know she can handle reading this stuff.
writing on here is a way of communicating, like hanging a painting in a gallery - you dont know if anyone will see it, or if anyone will relate to it if they do - but you are 'saying' something that you want to communicate anyway. you put it out there. like publishing a book - as Rivertrain has just done! see - Book Launch 

that is all for now. i might write more soon.