Thursday, 4 August 2016

I'm going to try to paste in a post I wrote years ago on another blog I was doing for awhile. Not sure it will work  - here goes..


idling away a morning because it is saturday and have to remember that i dont really have to do much.  i listened to bits of Saturday Live this morning, and i missed the name of one of the inheritance tracks but wish i hadnt because it was really unusual, and lovely.  the lesbian woman talking said that she and her partner had adopted a child and now she had grown up, and how they had gone through such a lot – first to adopt her, and then while she was growing up having been through such crap times already in her young life, coping with the effect of that.  i was quite teary and moved by it.  looking at the SL website on bbc, i discovered back in december there had been a thing about a woman who was a foundling.  and there are messages etc about adoption, and one woman wrote about how her child had been adopted in the 70s when it was still taboo to be single mum and how her child was not unwanted at all, and its a mistake to think that adopted kids are ‘unwanted’.  i am so glad someone said this.  i had a child adopted in 1969 and i have never forgotten him, never got over losing him, its always with me the whole thing – where is he, is he still alive, is he happy, would he hate me, would he understand, i would love to see him and i am scared of seeing him because he might not understand and he might be disappointed.
my little brothers are also adopted by my parents when i was 7 ish.  their mothers adored them, were heartbroken at being made to give them up.  my mother was heartbroken at their heartbreak.  but it made her more determined to try to give the boys a good life.  i adored my little brothers to bits. i still adore them to bits. if they ever wanted to find their real mothers i would help if they wanted.
also i wanted to say, i like Saturday Live, but i am still getting over the loss of John Peel, i cant help it, i still miss him and i didnt even know him, he was just someone who was ‘about’ and then when he did his saturday slot that was just brilliant, he was brilliant in only the way he could be.  i mean he was a one off, and special and we were very lucky to have him. but i wish he was still here.
Time still marches on, dates fly by, and what have I achieved since the last post?
You know those little niggly things, they just don't seem to go away, you think you'll just get those two done and then you can concentrate - and then there is another, and another ... Some things I could get away with not bothering too much about, other things just invade, brought about by other people and out with your - my - control.

Now and then I get to the studio, I get back into my studio work way of thinking, and do some stuff thinking I will come back tomorrow and get on with this ... Tomorrow comes and again there is something putting me in a dilemma - studio or not.
I think, I have realised, that unlike my previous flat this flat is a bit consuming because it has a garden, because it has birds, because there are cats to look after, because it is so far away from the studio and all this combines to make a totally different 'hat' on my head.

It took me rather a long time to realise this, but there it is.  I am a bit divided.  I obviously don't multi task well!
begun accidentally and worked into

these are not necessarily finished pieces, but some pieces i begin and put aside, and carry on with randomly in between doing other things. Experiments i could say, but when is work not an experiment?

So, those things that are out of our control - like the upstairs loo secretly leaking into the ceiling of my clothes cupboard and ending up like this

The summer is nice here when it is sunny and warm, or even just warm.  Gardening and attempting to grow climbing things around the windows, 

Repairing my cupboard ceiling was due today, about a week after it happened. I was informed yesterday it will now be postponed for another week.  The house is just strewn with clothing, in bags and boxes and hanging on book shelves; bedding, towels, and other things stored in that cupboard, its like camping.

The scaffolders arrived yesterday to erect the scaffolding outside to make repairs to the drain pipe and roof, while houses upstairs are being repaired from dry rot.  I spend most of yesterday trying to protect my plants from scaffolding poles and big boots.

All pots removed and scaffolding up. Not for long though I am told!

Pots gathered around the other end of small patch of garden, seem to be doing fine.

and the climbers gathered around the tree so they have something to lean on! The builders apparently arrive on Monday, so that will be the next thing - worrying they might chuck stuff down any old how all over the place.. oh well, i guess it isn't the end of the world.  Just, when you have worked so hard on something, tried to help something to live and not die ... it isn't easy letting go.

Listening to R4s biography of David Bowie every morning, notice how it takes me back to my own life's goings on as the years and transformations and albums go by, and thinking of him wondering how he did it all ... poignant, powerful.

Today i will head to the studio, no more waiting...