Friday, 29 February 2008
as a child, flying home to whichever country the family were living in at the time, from boarding school, i used to love that first wham of air when you stood on the top of the gangway - heat and smell! lovely! home! as we landed and taxied in, i used to scan about for my father who would be standing somewhere about on the apron in his 'whites' and his shades and cap - although have to admit as he got older he didnt have to wear uniform. waiting for me. i loved the long flights out to Bangkok. the dimmed lights at night, curling up on 2 seats with a blanket, the quiet hum, and the feeling of being carried in the belly of a huge big safe wonderful bird - i felt that safe feeling in my tummy and almost tearful with wonder and love of it and the joy of going home!
of course the return journey couldnt be more opposite. but that is for another time.
this is not an advert for flying; i was flying in comets, and 707's and even my favourite the VC10! lovely planes. oh and there was the Britania 'the Whispering Giant'!! (oh -synchronisity - my email has just popped up to tell me i have an email from british airways!)
i know - just more advertising, persuading me to fly away to somewhere i cant afford to! one day, eh!
Monday, 25 February 2008
Sunday, 24 February 2008
Tuesday, 19 February 2008
it is funny tho isnt it writing into the 'air' - well i think so - but i guess you get used to it.
so that was me in a wee bit of a downer yesterday.. (was that yesterday?) .. never mind because there is always another day. it was a strange mixture of sun and mist - well a sea haar really - its freeeeeeezing! nevertheless i waited patiently in for the gas man and for the insurance assessor (the 3rd one i think!) to arrive this morning, and then went off to the student's exhibition at the RSA, the ones graduating this year. lots of painting - and quite a bit of figurative - this year, and the usual splattering of 'student angst'. went round with a pal discussing, disagreeing and generally assessing.
two of my best girl friends are minister's daughters, oddly, i always think! and another best one lost her father when she was 10. one of the minister's daughters lost her mother when she was 5 or 6 i think.. or was it 9ish.. but very early, she has a younger sister and brother. the other minister's daughter was the youngest of 6 and she was always being forgotten about, she had older brothers which were both a help and a hinderence depending on point of view! actually she is a vicar's daughter because she is actually english. the non minister's daughter has a younger sister. and my best male pal lost his father when he was 10. he is the youngest of 3; a sister and a brother.
its just that it is funny - they are really pretty close friends; met at different times in my life; all random.
so many stories, eh? we all have them, but it's funny when you realise such coincidences as i have described. makes you wonder.. 'what's it trying to say to me?' !
and then my tummy goes funny and i think i dont really want to go there just now.
there are times to dig deeper and times not to..
tell you what tho - they're great good pals to have.
actually - i had forgotten, but this morning, eventally walking down the road, for some reason my mother came to mind and i felt very sad because i had been going to stay with her for a bit after i graduated, but she died just before i did graduate so i never got the chance. and as i remembered that i got that funny feeling in my tummy again - its like this thing that you cant say because there arent any words, but you feel, and you know you have not to feel or you wouldnt be able to walk down the road properly, so you dig your finger nails into the palm of your hand and keep going. and think of other things. and then i remember thinking i never believed women used to faint all over the place because of a shock - but then i hadnt realised the effect their tight corsets would have had.
i just remembered that.
Monday, 18 February 2008
back to the old dilemma again. which problem to try and face and sort out first; where i live, job, work.
so whats new.
must try to stop endless cycle of paralysis. trouble is after bad life decisions i just dont trust my ability to make big decisions any more.
not that it really matters. as there is no-one else to be bothered really.
solo, solitary, sole, mono..
Sunday, 17 February 2008
Thursday, 14 February 2008
its my little brother's 50th birthday tomorrow. i havent managed to get anything together for it - apart from a card and letter asking him to put me out of my misery and tell me what he wants!! he'll say just paint me something.. only if you arent a painter do you think that painters can just 'paint you something' just like that!!! on one of Joni Mitchell's albums - an old concert she must've done - people are shouting to her to play something or other and she says eventually - 'no one ever said to van gough "paint a starry night again, man!" ' poor musicians are expected to replay and replay their old numbers, while painters are expected to churn out a pic at a moment's notice! its is a strange thing that it is actually difficult to reproduce what you did before.. i put it down to the fact that you were in a different 'place' in your head when you first did it to when you try it again. that is unless you are working to a formula - you know, when you find a way of working that seems to work and sell and you just keep doing it, instead of exploring .. pushing the boundaries of it.. which involves making lots of mistakes and bad work - but for me i prefer that way. and there is another misconception that people say - oh just do the stuff that you know sells, and do your own stuff in your 'own' time! yea - i know many pals who do that and feel stuck in it and without any of their 'own' time... the thing is that your 'own' work so to speak involves your full focus, time, space to really let go and explore .. play .. make *....* work and do any kind of investigation it takes to you. its difficult to get into that head-set without the support to be able to do it, that's why there are artists' bursaries and so on available but sadly not enough to go around!!
so another thing is my little sister's imminent (i think) emmigration to the US. sorry. i shouldnt really call them 'little' its just a sort of endearment from me. i dont know that they like it much tho. its not a rivalry thing, its just that i am so much older than them all that they almost feel like my own children.. well its the memory of them little that feels like that. them grown up feels much more equal because i dont feel that old! they were all gorgeous wee souls.
well, i was changing their nappies, washing endless nappies, feeding and bathing them and also getting told off if they got into fights - well my brothers anyway, my sister didnt fight (and i only got to look after her in the uk) our wee 'chota-baba' (small child) - she could speak fluent nepali, because her ayah Kanchi more or less brought her up for a few years - spent every minute of every day and night with her more or less. i was just a dreadful teenager who had left school and was working for the minister of the church of scotland (because father said i had to get a job) and spending every afternoon at the swimming club with my friends - one of which is the friend i bumped into on my way home couple of days ago..
father had had a big promotion before being posted to Calcutta. just as i left school father was posted to the uk to do a 2 (or 3) year course at uni in london and become 'management'. Sister was born right at the start of that time, so we were in uk together for 2 or 3 years. then in Calcutta he got quite distant - i guess looking back i realise it was probably to do with becoming a 'burra sahib' (big boss) with a reputation and responsibility to keep. i didnt realise that then.
i remember once getting home late for lunch (as usual) and finding him there unusually, i bounced about telling him i had been asked to dance in a night club! i was so excited. he was horrified and said absolutely no way.. and so we had an argument. of course i can understand now - but then all i ever wanted to do was dance and act, the small matter of how or where didnt really come into it. anyway, it was all because pals and i were dancing one night (at a club) and the floor cleared leaving me and my partner dancing - everyone watching - and so the manager asked me to dance in the night club next door.
ho hum. i dont think i had any idea about any sort of 'conotations' a 'night club' might have - too innocent and naive.. but in those days - what, mid '60s - i guess it was still a rather risque place for a young girl..
ooops must stop - gone on far too long - rush rush
Wednesday, 13 February 2008
there are two links to the same question as i had and even a reply!
see : - http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/3/messages/613.html
it was such a sunny day yesterday and the light was just magic, one of those winter sun days with soft translucent light. i splashed out and got the bus home, which meant getting off and walking back the way to the house, which also meant getting lots of different aspects of the city skyline in the changing dusk light.
then i bumped into a couple of old friends who i hadnt seen for ages - one of whom i have know since being a teenager in India - and its unusual for nomads like us to know anyone (apart from family) for that long. we exchanged email addresses. later it occured to me that i think she might be a '49er' too - another one to add to the 'big' party next year! (which i have promised to organise for myself, so i will have to try and make it happen)(we will see).
have to stop, things to see to..
Wednesday, 6 February 2008
just having a look at this draft i wrote on 6th - and didnt publish. i can see why. but looking back on it now i think i will put it up.
tried googling the women thing putting the word 'single' near the end but its no good - there are only dating things to find.
anyway, i had my hair cut today. i had a bob and its shorter than it has been for years. when i was younger i had more hair and it was a bit thicker so having it short sometimes was fine for a change. but this feels quite strange. still at least it will grow again. its another of those instances when you suddenly just dont recognise yourself, and have to take on board - yet again - that you just ain't young no more, and you dont look like what you think you look like!! s'ok, i can handle it!
the week is being taken up again with stuff. who was it said there is just too much stuff in the world. anyway i agree sometimes. stuff. gordon bennett any chance i can one day actually get on with some of my own work? you get sent envelopes full of stuff through the letter box daily, some of which look as if i ought to pay attention to, so that takes up time. the rest has to be chucked out, but first i have to tear off my name and address and put in the bag of all the paperwork i'm collecting which could be used by identity theives if i just put in the bin. apparently. one day i shall take the bag over to a friend's garden where we shall have a bonfire and drink a glass of wine. or maybe two.
oh i had a message on my phone today. it said '097543... if you are the account holder ... bla bla..' what account? who? what are they talking about? an automated voice leaving a stupid automated message expecting me to know somehow what on earth its about. i just hung up. i will no doubt find that i have inadvertently signed up for something, or that i am inadvertently getting into debt because that is some kind of account i have got..
just cant be bothered. dont they realise life is just too short. i used to have a block on people phoning who withhold their number - but since joining talk talk i havent any more - so the stupid phone calls start again. so i often dont answer the land line.
grumble grumble. i sometimes think i would like to live in the woods or hills with as little as possible and not have to get all this paper through the letterbox and things to sign or keep up with and remember about - so much STUFF. i just want to do my work.
of course i probably wouldnt really like to live without anything at all - it would be quite hard, its a romantic notion really which would have its own difficulties and dilemmas. and i would miss friends. i would miss cafes and chats and meeting for a pint or a movie.
i have to say, though, that the job i do now has been made far more as in amount of work - than just not very long ago before everyone had mobile phones and the internet. the job has at least doubled if not more due to having mobiles and internet. people's expectations go up and so more is expected .. because it is possible .. it is expected.
its like 'build it and they will come' sort of thing. i really liked that movie actually. but then it wasnt about mobile phones and the internet. it was about people.
get a life! i hear - yes actually i do have one and would rather like to get on with it - where was it again? oh yes - when i have got this thing sorted, or, when i have got the money together for.. paid that bill.. remembered that deadline.. phoned this or that to sort out some mistake or other .. then i can get some space..
aha.. but then i have to remember to eat! (yet another thing..)
oh well thats better, had a bit of a rant.
tomorrow's another day!
and yes that tomorrow was another day - which i cannot remember what happened on! and by the way i still dont really like my hair, but most of the time i forget about it as luckily i dont have to keep seeing myself in a mirror! wouldnt it be nice if when we get older, instead of our hair thining, it actually thickens! and the colour gets richer! so when we are young and the whole world's our oyster (so to speak) our hair could be fine, thin, any old colour - grey? no maybe not - but we get 'enriched' in colour and volume with age instead of t'other way about!
never mind. grow old gracefully and smile. it'll come tae ye all one day! oh yes, and something a friend said when i was moaning about my short hair - she said 'people will still see you but with shorter hair'. isnt that simple?! how nice! you know it quite changed how i thought.
i have just realised joining this onto the other post will make it awful long. will stop now.
by the way does anyone know where the expression 'jumping johosophat' comes from? its something my mother used to say a lot when i was young and it just popped into my mind. i do that sometimes - wonder where a word comes from. i should google it.
Friday, 1 February 2008
i have been thinking for some time that maybe there is something 'out there' in cyberspace by and for the above mentioned species, but no, this appears not to be the case. they must be out there though.
as i have got -slightly- older it has become more and more noticable to me that single mature women no kids are an 'invisible' section of society somehow. or maybe invisible is the wrong word; perhaps it is more accurate to say that this kind of woman just doesnt count. unless she has a high powered job or is famous.
i am aware i have to back that statement up - writing it is making me think about it more. there is something there though, i know it, something worth putting 'out there'.. more later on this.
Hurray - Eigg got its electricity switched on today!!! its renewable too!!
but horrible news about the trawler or tanker - ship - struggling at St Kilda - that must be so frightening; the sea there is quite wild at the best of times, but now it must be a nightmare. lots of thoughts go to all those involved.
and - it is not even April 1st - but they are announcing a FLIGHT for nudists BUT stewardesses have to wear uniform!!! mind boggles!! oh what a wonderful muddly world!
a bad january, thats all i can say. and its not just work. its the landlord. its family too. all things causing me anxiety and i find i hop from one anxoius subject to another as they in turn raise their profile. and while focusing on one and trying to work out how to cope with it, or resolve it even, the others fade into the back of my mind quietly gathering out of control momentum ready to pop back up again in another anxious-making stage.
for ages now i have imagined that if i just get things sorted out i will then be able to live life on more of an even keel - get on with my own work even. but alas, the more time goes on the more i am driven to the conclusion that this is a vain hope.
i then revert to the idea that i should just give up and pull back and just let whatever be - be. but that idea does not hold sway for long - imagining sitting about wondering what the point of it all is is more than i can handle, so its a deep breath and another step and on i go again.
i think my world is getting a bit small though. i am aware of that, and know i need to do something radical about it. although, i am also aware that it is fairly likely that the way i was brought up may have something to do with this feeling; you know, a periodic feeling of panic and having to radically change everything; or maybe everyone gets this, they just dont show it!
anyway back to the growing up bit - and that was the experience of living in a country for a few years and being suddenly packed up and moved on to another one - leaving all i loved and held dear behind for ever, and once again becoming a stranger, an outsider, till that new place and people became my loved environment - and then again off. a constant sound in my mind 'leaving' - 'they're leaving' - 'we're leaving' ..
as i was saying - how much do we repeat a childhood pattern, or how much credence should we give our urges (only the harmless ones) as being leftovers from childhood or relevant to our own 'nows'?
in which case, maybe the letting go of everything and letting it all 'be' might be THE thing to do for me now - just go against that inbuilt habit.
hmm .. i dont suppose i will do either extreme, i will just do the deep breath and step thing. the hope thing. maybe i can make things work out, make them better. i cant really give up. but i am learning things - like that i cant please everybody, that people will get cross with me, they will misunderstand me and that i can make mistakes and survive - take it all on the chin - as these things are things i cant do anything about. as long as i know the truth of me; so what about what other people make of it.