Thursday, 4 August 2016

I'm going to try to paste in a post I wrote years ago on another blog I was doing for awhile. Not sure it will work  - here goes..


things

Standard
idling away a morning because it is saturday and have to remember that i dont really have to do much.  i listened to bits of Saturday Live this morning, and i missed the name of one of the inheritance tracks but wish i hadnt because it was really unusual, and lovely.  the lesbian woman talking said that she and her partner had adopted a child and now she had grown up, and how they had gone through such a lot – first to adopt her, and then while she was growing up having been through such crap times already in her young life, coping with the effect of that.  i was quite teary and moved by it.  looking at the SL website on bbc, i discovered back in december there had been a thing about a woman who was a foundling.  and there are messages etc about adoption, and one woman wrote about how her child had been adopted in the 70s when it was still taboo to be single mum and how her child was not unwanted at all, and its a mistake to think that adopted kids are ‘unwanted’.  i am so glad someone said this.  i had a child adopted in 1969 and i have never forgotten him, never got over losing him, its always with me the whole thing – where is he, is he still alive, is he happy, would he hate me, would he understand, i would love to see him and i am scared of seeing him because he might not understand and he might be disappointed.
my little brothers are also adopted by my parents when i was 7 ish.  their mothers adored them, were heartbroken at being made to give them up.  my mother was heartbroken at their heartbreak.  but it made her more determined to try to give the boys a good life.  i adored my little brothers to bits. i still adore them to bits. if they ever wanted to find their real mothers i would help if they wanted.
also i wanted to say, i like Saturday Live, but i am still getting over the loss of John Peel, i cant help it, i still miss him and i didnt even know him, he was just someone who was ‘about’ and then when he did his saturday slot that was just brilliant, he was brilliant in only the way he could be.  i mean he was a one off, and special and we were very lucky to have him. but i wish he was still here.
Time still marches on, dates fly by, and what have I achieved since the last post?
Ha!
You know those little niggly things, they just don't seem to go away, you think you'll just get those two done and then you can concentrate - and then there is another, and another ... Some things I could get away with not bothering too much about, other things just invade, brought about by other people and out with your - my - control.

Now and then I get to the studio, I get back into my studio work way of thinking, and do some stuff thinking I will come back tomorrow and get on with this ... Tomorrow comes and again there is something putting me in a dilemma - studio or not.
I think, I have realised, that unlike my previous flat this flat is a bit consuming because it has a garden, because it has birds, because there are cats to look after, because it is so far away from the studio and all this combines to make a totally different 'hat' on my head.

It took me rather a long time to realise this, but there it is.  I am a bit divided.  I obviously don't multi task well!
begun accidentally and worked into


these are not necessarily finished pieces, but some pieces i begin and put aside, and carry on with randomly in between doing other things. Experiments i could say, but when is work not an experiment?

So, those things that are out of our control - like the upstairs loo secretly leaking into the ceiling of my clothes cupboard and ending up like this


The summer is nice here when it is sunny and warm, or even just warm.  Gardening and attempting to grow climbing things around the windows, 

Repairing my cupboard ceiling was due today, about a week after it happened. I was informed yesterday it will now be postponed for another week.  The house is just strewn with clothing, in bags and boxes and hanging on book shelves; bedding, towels, and other things stored in that cupboard, its like camping.

The scaffolders arrived yesterday to erect the scaffolding outside to make repairs to the drain pipe and roof, while houses upstairs are being repaired from dry rot.  I spend most of yesterday trying to protect my plants from scaffolding poles and big boots.


All pots removed and scaffolding up. Not for long though I am told!


Pots gathered around the other end of small patch of garden, seem to be doing fine.


and the climbers gathered around the tree so they have something to lean on! The builders apparently arrive on Monday, so that will be the next thing - worrying they might chuck stuff down any old how all over the place.. oh well, i guess it isn't the end of the world.  Just, when you have worked so hard on something, tried to help something to live and not die ... it isn't easy letting go.

Listening to R4s biography of David Bowie every morning, notice how it takes me back to my own life's goings on as the years and transformations and albums go by, and thinking of him wondering how he did it all ... poignant, powerful.

Today i will head to the studio, no more waiting...






Tuesday, 12 July 2016

We are about to arrive in York.
I'm going home after a week away in Norfolk at my sister-in-law's house, where nephews and their partners and one baby also gathered.
It was a year since my brother died.

We visited his grave, an unlikely graveyard in a woodland, where a hazel tree planted last winter marks his spot, beside a wild hedge.  His grave is overgrown with long grass and wild flowers, as it should be in a growing woodland.  Still, we pulled out some of the longer grasses which seemed to be overcrowding wild flowers. It looked totally different from the last time I was there, when we planted his tree.  The tree is now coming just over the top of the tree holder thing, so growing well.  Look forward to seeing it get bigger. I can't help wondering how much of him, DNA or whatever leftover will be in the tree.

Now we have just left Newcastle and I took a photo but this isn't letting me upload photos.
Never mind, I wouldn't find it interesting now!

A baby boy, making me a great aunt, my too soon dead brother a grandpa - or 'graps' - he would be called.  4 months old the other day and very gorgeous, of course we are all biased, he is a restless soul who only really calms down either when he manages to fall asleep or when he is carried outside - carried being the important thing - he doesn't tolerate his carrier sitting down!  Amazing how he just immediately calms when outside, we decided he will definately grown up to work in something that is out of doors.  Of course he reminds us all of his 'graps' who isn't here to meet him, although I did tell him if he saw a man there grinning at him while in the garden that would be his graps.  He actually learned to grab and hold something this week, amazing really, so fast!  It is something else to watch a baby work something like that out.  He concentrates very hard on whatever he is looking at.  So while I carried him in the garden and wandered around stopping at various points of colour or leaf, I saw how he concentrated so hard on it all, and eventually he began to reach out to a leaf, or flower, one day actually worked out how to grab a hold of it.  He (we) picked a bit of rosemary, but that didn't stay in the fist for long, then there was a crumpled flower we (he) managed to pick for granny.
He was the centre of everything, a centre through which I constantly saw my brother, as I expect did the others as well, although I didn't actually ask.

The next time we see each other will be for one of his uncle's wedding! It's all go.

The weather was lovely and warm, often sunny and didn't rain much and I was able at last to wear some summer clclothes most of them with baby sick on the left shoulder or down one side - easily washed and dried though!

I think this was probably the first time I've spent time with a baby and had such enjoyment of carrying it since I last did so with my son.  I couldn't quite manage to have much to do with friend's babies or children since he was adopted, I held back somewhat while trying not to seem unfriendly.  My son having found me seems to have opened up that part of me as I have found myself appreciating a child I come across here and there, and surprised myself at how easily I took to my great grandson.
Phew.. What a funny life!

Thursday, 30 June 2016

What a grey day, grey week - or is it more.. Can't remember now when those weeks of hot sunshine were.
I suddenly thought of Scoraig this morning, I thought of going to live there. I've never visited.  Once long ago D and I thought of it, but didn't get around to it.
Of course I can't just up and go and live there really, it's a measure of my need for an escape, for a time of big skies, of putting those cobwebs in order, standing back for some perspective.
Last night on my way home at about 9.45 I was blinded by the golden sun low on the horizon, it was too early for sunset but I could see it would be a wonderful one in Newhaven, and again I thought of the almost flat in Starbank Road, and then of the hassle of buses late at night getting home from there if I was to go for a sunset from where I live now.
I also realised that not being able to see sunsets or sunrises where I live means that over time I can almost forget about them, being reminded is not always a good idea.
Of course the thing I am not mentioning is the recent referendum, putting us out of the EU. I have been reading, writing, thinking so much about it that I don't think I will do so here.
I am at the top of John Lewis in the cafe with a great view over the Forth to the hills, big sky here.
I'm not in the best of moods just now so I am not going to write much, but I feel a strong urge to make changes in my life.  They probably won't be very big changes in the end.  I can't go and live in Scoraig, what would I offer them and how would I pay etc... It's just an expression of where I'm at just now I think.

My brother died a year ago on 5th July and I am away to Norfolk soon to stay with my sister in law.

Wednesday, 15 June 2016

Duvet day and stardust

A duvet day today. Yesterday developed a very sore throat and determined to hit a pending cold on the head i stuffed myself with paracetamol and sore throat pastilles and sent myself off to bed early, where I stayed today.  Actually not ill, but I've slept a lot and noticed a total lack of concern or worry about anything that I reckon it's been a day not wasted.  Hurray.  I can have a duvet day and not climb the walls - I just dont do duvet days.

Photos posted at random, not strictly true - just wanted to put up a photo or two, scrolling through photos I came across these two doodlings from the studio and thought why not, see them in a different context.  Nothing special.


Ink, acrylic mono print

Ink wash





















The other night I watched Wonders of the Universe - Stardust.. I found myself hooked very quickly, partly the images of the universe which are always fascinating, but mostly the story of our beginnings as told by Brian Cox.  Many years ago when I worked in the hotel on Iona, my boss then - owner of the hotel - was a geologist by profession, and as I was studying art and exploring my interest in landscape and geology she gave me quite a lot of insight.  I will always remember one thing she said to me which was 'we are all stardust'.  A statement you would expect to hear an old hippy (like me, once) say. But which she went on to explain briefly how it is true.  Anyway, so Brian Cox in this programme massively expanded on this - really I would recommend this (on iplayer) to everyone, you dont have to be interested in stars or anything. It was an overwhelming experience actually, to watch, an experience rather than just watching a programme, leaving me with such a feeling of our connectedness with everything and everyone.
And another thing that struck me was the realisation that there must have been 'nothing' before the universe suddenly came into being, and how impossible I found it to imagine that, i cant imagine it.  Then I wondered at humans very deep seated need to find meaning, and then a god, a system, a belief, all of these unprovable things because somehow no one can imagine the 'nothing' .....

I dont mean this to sound like I am denigrating people's beliefs, just because something has not yet been proved does not make it impossible, I am fairly open minded - just as long as no one is hurt then each to their own, obviously.

The programme before this one had been about what is happening to our weather, which was also very interesting as there was a lot of information about the Jet Stream, and many people who know me will know my 'thing' about the jet stream which I have been going on about for ages!  So, hurray, some more information on it, why it keeps moving so much and even - get this - how/where it was relative to the UK throughout the 90s - I've always said the 90s were So Hot on Iona - well - the west coast anyway, and when i went back to work in 2000 the summer just was not the same - rain and mixed weather and it never really went back to those amazing summers of the 90s.  So i didn't imagine it!
It transpires there are a couple of theories about what is happening, one of them closely related to climate change.  As the Arctic ice melts, the air is not as cold and so the difference in temperature each side of the jet stream is less, and that causes it's speed to slow down and it dips down to anywhere between beneath UK to down into Europe, and so we get these long phases of rain and the weather seems stuck.
This is massively sketchy - you need to watch the programme to really get fuller information.
There are other factors to the weather we have been experiencing over the last few winters - of course and scientists and meteorologists are working on it all, and finding new information.

Anyway, so another interesting possible contribution is that it has been found that the stratosphere possibly contributes to the changing flow of the jet stream.  There are apparently waves in the stratosphere which occasionally break as they do in the sea, and this causes a warming - i think it is called sudden stratospheric ..... something.  anyway, usually the air there flows west to east, but these sudden wave braking cause the air to flow in the opposite direction, and warm up and the air begins to spiral down towards the troposphere where it comes in contact with the jet stream and more or less stops it - slows it down - so that cold air from Siberia is blows in to the UK ... Obviously this so far does not seem to be connected to climate change (although nothing can be certain?) but it is very random, there is no pattern to follow, nothing to give anyone a clue to predict anything.
And then, of course, there are many other factors which contribute to our climate, but it seems apparently that what can be certain is that we are going to need to work out how to live with more rain, and unpredictability.
Once again, to get the whole picture watch the programme, it is fascinating, and again makes me realise how interconnected we all are around the world..

Monday, 21 March 2016

8th March - a great nephew's birth, and Drumnadrochit

And so life goes on, after a brief holiday near Drumnadrochit with eight friends and two fab dogs in  an amazing house, lots of lovely food, company, walks and talks, my great nephew was born the day after I got back. So feeling a bit bereft of lovely company and country side my spirits lift with the news of his birth, my baby brother would have a grandson.
I have to mark this occasion with a blog post!
Little Louis Mark was born on 6th March at  8.27am.




the house we were staying in near Drumnadrochit


a few years' worth of Christmas trees!


A long walk by Loch Ness



Leon had got himself covered in mud, we encouraged him to roll about in the snow, meanwhile Millie looked on not quite sure whether to join in


A walk to Divach falls


the colours were wonderful, sadly not quite coming through on this photo




A walk to Dog Falls through Glen Affric




Millie and her huge sticks, you can't see the stick but she is struggling to get it over the bridge, as each end of the stick gets stuck at every upright pole!!


 Beautiful Glen Affric

love the colours





now back to the house, a view through a gap in the dry stone wall







Tuesday, 16 February 2016

Almost another year goes by before I suddenly get the urge to blog.  Many ups and downs and waters under bridges - that Mull holiday seems an age ago.  However the core of that Mull gang have planned a week in a brilliant house by Drumnadrochit at the end of this month, probably be freezing but good to get away.

So I was thinking today, after having let next door's cat out of my flat and seen it was welcomed home by my neighbour who is ill with the flu, and i thought suddenly of my cat.  My then partner got her for me when our baby boy died, in the '70s.  She was only about 6 weeks old, and our other cat was quite keen to eat her - or something - so I slept on the kitchen floor (the days of coal fires in kitchens!) with her tucked into my shoulder and the other cat tucked into the back of my bent knees.  When he thought I was asleep he'd stealthily start to creep up to the kitten. I didn't sleep much those first weeks.  They grew to be inseparable and had 10 kittens.

Anyway. So what I was remembering this morning was the long time companion that kitten grew to be for 19 years. (Sadly we lost the other cat long ago).
She went through all my many ups and downs through those years just being her talkative, affectionate self.  She was my child and my friend, both, a constant in my life for those years.
And then I thought how we have to grow up and let go of things like that, feelings like that.  And I thought about how long I had really just wanted my first son back - he had been adopted, i was young, it was the 60s. Never being able to face the terrible irreversible mistake of it I just craved to be pregnant again, however as I've said, the next one did not survive beyond 9 hours.  Probably saved him from a mother who just wanted her first son back - this I suspect in retrospect.  A few years later and in along term relationship I discovered damage done to my tubes meant I could no longer have children and my cat saw me through that trauma, and all that followed.

So when my cat died it was devastating.  Many years ago now, but still I miss her at times.

And no, I could never contemplate having another cat, until very recently when I thought.. well maybe.. and then moved into a little house with a tiny garden and lovely neighbours who have two cats who have adopted me as their 'extra' and my house as an annex!

And what happened next? What - a year ago? I think. My Son got in touch! He found me! I am still in shock - still keep thinking - wow really!?! Amazing. He is amazing. He is a magician - no really - he is!! And has two young daughters!! I'm a bloomin' granny!  And it's amazing - no words can say...

Then last summer my little brother died so very suddenly. He had been so pleased about my son and had gone and spent an evening with him, said he was just like me - scatty, and mannerisms! I miss him so much. The one in the family who really got my art work - so got me.. the one I'd ask advice, or find peculiar and weird unbirthday presents for each year because he didn't like celebrating his birthday. So was always 'there'.  It was his birthday yesterday.
His eldest soon and wife are expecting a baby next month, so he will have been a grandad and would have loved it.

And so, life goes, so many things we have to let go of, or maybe just get used to living with - the desperately happy and the desperately sorrowful, and to remember it's ok to have a happy day, it's ok to laugh...